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pavankumar
Jan 06, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Beautiful Lady

O Beautiful lady with glory all over
I bow at your feet, which are covered with flowers

O Beautiful lady with six different faces
But with compassion as your grace

O Beautiful lady with a reason
But with the power of season

O Beautiful lady with love towards all beings
I pray you with all my bearings

O Beautiful lady with modesty as your ornament
But with greenery as your garment

O Beautiful lady who is as beautiful as a bride
And that beauty is your pride

O Beautiful lady whose lips are red
And doesn’t let her veil shed

O Beautiful lady built with five different elements
But doesn’t has the quality of ailments

O Beautiful lady with Earth as your empire
Which resides under a ball of fire

O Beautiful lady with land as your home
And sky as its dome

O Beautiful lady covered with green trees
And this is extended to unbounded seas

O Beautiful lady with air as your facade
And that souvenir cascades on life

O Beautiful lady with the power of frost
And has the quality of host

O Beautiful lady with ecstacy for rainfall
And this makes me yell with joy after all

O Beautiful lady with the essence of nurture
But with the thought for future

O Beautiful lady who has bondage with everyone
But you do not depend on anyone

O Beautiful lady like a goddess of dreams
Gifting never ending realms

O Beautiful lady like a blossom bloom
Which gleams to remove the gloom

O Beautiful lady with chastity as your norm
But motherliness as your form

O Beautiful lady with power of charisma
I love you with great reverence

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

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Comments

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

13 years 9 months ago

Hello,

I am probably wrong, but this poem sounds like a tribute to Lady Nature. I think it is lovely. I have just one suggestion:

In this line: But doesn’t has the quality of ailments
(I think you should change the word has to have)

Welcome to Neo Poet!
always, Cat

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pavankumar

13 years 9 months ago

Hello Candlewitch,

Hello Candlewitch,

Ya that's very much true and thanks for the comments and the compliments

the_fool

the_fool

13 years 9 months ago

raw truth

your language, rhythm, beginning/ending and internal logic are spot on. the problem i had was the repetitve first line of every S. i thought that line would have more emphasis if it was only used every other or every third S.
but still, not bad.
keep 'em coming!

nullus anxietas,
t_f

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pavankumar

13 years 4 months ago

Thank you

I will consider your observation and I appreciate it too
Frankly speaking never made an observation of such level

Thanks once again for your valuable comments

wesley snow

wesley snow

13 years 9 months ago

I'm a rather old fashioned poet,

so I liked the repetition. Very medieval. I would have liked to see a more consistent meter throughout, but as I said I'm pretty old fashioned. The concept is marvelous. wesley

loved

loved

13 years 4 months ago

You appear to be an Eastern writer, delving into the English

sphere
you are a great original kind of creator ,
of free verse,
but as some one has already said above
repetition perhaps makes it slightly worse
and
perhaps a curse
so you dear poet in your own mind read and rehearse
and avoid the repetition in each
''shlokas'' type verse.

Well that's only my suggestion ,
score it out at the worse