Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Jan 10, 2012
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
The Hedgehog And The Fly
It's at a time
when I refuse to check my mail
so I can be surprised
by my TIME subscription
list.
I wait for the boy to snore
some more
so I'll have something
other than myself
to ridicule and bemoan.
The time I sit
till I sink in
the crater my bottom
makes on my bed;
And I see how naturaly I dent
All that was comfy and right.
The times we watch
the seconds tick
and wish we were
like time -
to go on
mindless
till the end
without a burden to bear.
The moments we coil
up like a snail
without a sturdy shell-
Our nakedness stark
against the black
of a pit
and a raging storm.
The eternity it takes
to move beyond
the wreckage of one life
And to dare to look
beyond the clouds
and smile at an angry sun.
I'll eat a cold cake
and drink some honey
to savour the aftertaste.
Life is a well
in which we fell
and we look up
right back from our waste.
But if the hedgehog
loves her spines,
and the fly his failing legs,
then maybe I'll wait
to see what God
can make of this aging hag.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Written to tap right into some earlier sentiment; with a bit of Esker as inspiration. How does this come to you? ps. the "Last few words" makes me feel like the moment before I'm about to die. May be the subject of some other poem.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
infinite_dwarf
13 years 6 months ago
Jesse
My goodness what a dark write. I certainly hope it isn't autobiographical. I think a good universal point was touched on - how when one is down, they just want time to either end, or speed up. It's one of those feelings that kind of binds humanity, as probably everyone has experienced it from time to time. I liked the closing sentiments of the write, and the injection of positiveness and optimism. Brings to mind something my Gyosa-nim once said: "Once you have reached bottom, the only way is up."
William Saint George
13 years 6 months ago
It is, to an extent
I have a little problem with over-exposing myself in my poetry, so I changed the dominant pronoun to "we" at some point. I put this here because neopoet looks like a safe community, but seeing that the poem works quite well, I think I'll take it out.
I'm glad you were able to empathize with the poem.
Candlewitch
13 years 6 months ago
Hello,
I agree with Jess K's assesment of this piece. I was wondering what the title had to do with the piece. I came to understand in the last lines, which I think are brilliant:
But if the hedgehog
loves her spines,
and the fly his failing legs,
then maybe I'll wait
to see what God
can make of this aging hag.
I have no suggestions, just appreciation for the work. I very much enjoy dark poetry. Thanks for the read.
always, Cat
William Saint George
13 years 6 months ago
Hi Cat
Thank you so much! *on bended knee*
Your liking this means so much to me, my poetry and my personal life.
William Saint George
13 years 6 months ago
Thank you
Thank you Lou.