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Candlewitch
Candlewitch
Jan 19, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Lost Sole (iambic trimeter) revised

Iambic trimeter (workshop:)

Lost Sole
a shoe without a mate
is out of time a crime
of passion so sad today
day next is near to me
along borders of pain
remaining in a cave
when troubled times Are near
I scramble for a perch
response shuts down at once

About This Poem

Last Few Words: taking baby steps. always, Cat

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda, Jim Morrison, the whole of Neopoet and many more.

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More from this author

Comments

S

scribbler

13 years 6 months ago

Hi Cat

Those baby steps are bringing real progress. There is only one line that reads off to me:
recourse only option........I read it as
reCOURSE ONly OPtion.......I might well be wrong so I'd suggest you await others' responses.........stan

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

13 years 6 months ago

Thanks Stan,

Thanks for reading and helping. Can you think of a replacement line for it? I doubt if any others are coming to read :(

always Cat

S

scribbler

13 years 6 months ago

hello

Just put a the in front of only would tidy it up I think.........stan

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

13 years 6 months ago

Thanks Jess,

I really did try hard on this. I'm coming to the conclusion that I might just be as thick as a brick conserning the other forms of meter. :(

I have critiqued a few, but without reciprocation. Oh well...

always, Cat

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 6 months ago

Not a chance!

More iambic just means more 'feet' per line,
trochaic is DUM da Which makes it hard to rhyme but is great for story-telling.

And you have now said twice 'but without reciprocation'. Once more and you will be whining. People don't respond to your comments for a plethora of reasons and the kind thing to think is they just don't know what to say!

Much love and support,

William Saint George

William Saint George

13 years 6 months ago

*Scratches head*

I can't make anything of this. I don't know if it's the day and the weather (unexpected rain) but I realy can't wrap my mind round this.

"Lost Sole
a shoe without a mate
is out of time..."

I get it up to this point. Then the rest just seems to run away from me.

"...a crime
of passion so sad today
day next is near to me
along borders of pain
remaining in a cave..."

The above part especially. And the "today// day" is really hard to place.
Then finally I have something I can understand...

"...when troubled times Are near
I scramble for a perch
response shuts down at once..."

And I can relate to it. I know this workshop is about meter, and not meaning. The meter reads fine. At least I think I can identify iambs, and they're about three in each line, so 1 + 1 is...

Probably I'm putting too much emphasis on meaning, rather than form. This is not the first poem I'v had this problem with. I guess I need help.

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

13 years 6 months ago

Dear Jess,

Thanks for coming by. I hope you will recouperate your energy soon. You do too much and get worn out.

always, Cat

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

13 years 6 months ago

Dear WSG,

No, it probably isn't you. I'm no so good with meter of any kind. But, I thank you for reading and commenting/critiquing! I very much appreciate it.

always, Cat

wesley snow

wesley snow

13 years 6 months ago

Poor Jess.

I'll do it.

I have to say something about Sir George's comment. Normally, I would try not to comment on the poem itself here because we're talking meter and the poem is supposed to be junk... except yours isn't. You completely ignored Jess' directions about writing something mundane and posted this piece... of... art.

Anyway, most of it is a gentle iamb, but a couple are not. I'll scan those how I see them.

"of pas/sion  so/ sad to/day"    This I scanned forcing the iamb. An iambic line will always end on a stressed syllable.

"of pas/sion so sad/ today      This is how I scan it. One iamb, one anapest, one iamb.

"along/ borders/ of pain"       Forced iamb. "borders" is trochee.

Otherwise, it's all iambic trimeter. And a rather interesting poem. 

wesley

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

13 years 6 months ago

Dear Wesley,

Thank you for breaking it down for me. And for appreciating the poem's content. You explained it very well.

always, Cat