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What's a Conversation When You Don't Shut Up?
Listening is a skill most people ignore. We are well aware of the concept because we tell people all the time they are not listening to us, and they are not, because they are too busy trying to tell everyone else what they want them to hear. So we tend to have conversations that go like this:
Person A: "I love the new cotton from Antarctica, it's the best, any other cotton is sub par."
Person B: "I know, that sauce in the new Thai restaurant is great!"
Person A: "I hear you and what you are saying really speaks to me and I wonder how you ever managed to tap into my soul."
Person B: "We are so in tune!"
When what is really being said is this:
Person A: "I love the new cotton from Antarctica, it's the best, any other cotton is sub par."
Person B: "I know you said something but I could not care less so I will respond with what I want to say which is that the sauce in the new Thai Restaurant is great!"
Person A: "I hear you making speaking noises but I was not listening so I will assume you are telling me how wonderful I am and I will agree with what I want you to have said by stating what you are saying really speaks to me and I wonder how you ever managed to tap into my soul on how I feel about cotton."
Person B: "You are so good at listening to me while I ignore everything you say!"
Yes this is an extreme example but it signifies what is normally happening and that is people having two separate conversations at each other rather than a single conversation with another person or group.
We all have the friend who dominates the conversation, who talks and talks and talks and takes 93.8 minutes to give us 30 seconds of information and we forgive them because we know and love them. Well, most people forgive them, I tend to be rather brusque. But when these folks enter a wider audience, well, the reactions can be harsh because ain't none of us as clever as we have convinced ourselves we are and there will be someone on the other end who is actually listening and knows that we are full of shit.
So what to do?
It's easy. Shut the hell up.
If you dominate a conversation without being asked to do so, you are not being clever or strong willed, you are being rude and insecure, talking and talking and demanding attention while ignoring other people even while you pretend platitudes towards them since these platitudes are all of the "don't you think I am wonderful, tell me now!" variety.
Some folks have already figured out where I am going with this and some will be amused and some will be annoyed and some will be ready to yell and scream and pretend I am attacking them personally. Once again people, unless I mention you by name I am not attacking you personally and since I am not the type of person to miss out on the amusement derived from a good argument you should realise that I am talking about a situation, not any single individual.
And where I am going with this is here. If you are supplementing your daily posting limit with multiple forum postings of poems and blog postings of poems, I pretty much know that I will ignore everything you have to say because rare are the exceptions where everything written is worth review and I am talking about me here because I know everything I write is not worthy of review and I only post a couple poems a month at the most.
If you are talking so much, when are you listening?
If you are posting so much, when are you reading? Are your comments demonstrating you actually read the poem or are they more "look at me, look at me" clap-trap?
We are all attention whores to one degree or another else we would not be here but we need to realise that a community built on a competition for attention is unsustainable. Some folks have talent that commands attention, some folks have volume that demands attention, and some folks are politely waiting their turn and being ignored.
Do you always comment on the same people? Why?
Do your comments always talk about you rather than the poem? Why?
Do you participate and keep score and get upset when you comment more on the work of others than they do on yours? Why?
We have aspirations of being an adult focused community even though a significant number of people here are not of age. I'll tell you all the same thing I tell the 13 year old students who join my adult classes for TKD. I will push you to behave and perform as an adult. I will not tolerate whining and quitting. You are asking to join the adults, so join us because I am not structuring my class to accommodate children. If you want a children's class, take it.
If you are posting more poems than comments, you are not playing nice. You are demanding attention while ignoring others. If all of your comments are interchangeable, they are worthless and you are demanding attention while ignoring others. If you can't shut the hell up long enough to actually listen to the voices of others, then you are a selfish child and are missing out on some truly well constructed work.
And while a writer writes, they must have something about which to write and that should not be the same damn subject every bloody time. If all of your poetry is another take on a single theme, get out of the house and experience life. If all you are doing is repeating the same conversation over and over and hoping people will believe you are clever or smart or handsome or pretty or what-the-hell-ever because of it, do us all a favour and SHUT THE HELL UP for a few minutes.
Let others talk and actually listen to them for a change. Tell them what they said, not what you wanted them to say about how wonderful you are.
Or not. Because luckily there are enough people here to listen and converse that I can ignore the selfish ones to my heart's delight.
And I do.
Person A: "I love the new cotton from Antarctica, it's the best, any other cotton is sub par."
Person B: "I know, that sauce in the new Thai restaurant is great!"
Person A: "I hear you and what you are saying really speaks to me and I wonder how you ever managed to tap into my soul."
Person B: "We are so in tune!"
When what is really being said is this:
Person A: "I love the new cotton from Antarctica, it's the best, any other cotton is sub par."
Person B: "I know you said something but I could not care less so I will respond with what I want to say which is that the sauce in the new Thai Restaurant is great!"
Person A: "I hear you making speaking noises but I was not listening so I will assume you are telling me how wonderful I am and I will agree with what I want you to have said by stating what you are saying really speaks to me and I wonder how you ever managed to tap into my soul on how I feel about cotton."
Person B: "You are so good at listening to me while I ignore everything you say!"
Yes this is an extreme example but it signifies what is normally happening and that is people having two separate conversations at each other rather than a single conversation with another person or group.
We all have the friend who dominates the conversation, who talks and talks and talks and takes 93.8 minutes to give us 30 seconds of information and we forgive them because we know and love them. Well, most people forgive them, I tend to be rather brusque. But when these folks enter a wider audience, well, the reactions can be harsh because ain't none of us as clever as we have convinced ourselves we are and there will be someone on the other end who is actually listening and knows that we are full of shit.
So what to do?
It's easy. Shut the hell up.
If you dominate a conversation without being asked to do so, you are not being clever or strong willed, you are being rude and insecure, talking and talking and demanding attention while ignoring other people even while you pretend platitudes towards them since these platitudes are all of the "don't you think I am wonderful, tell me now!" variety.
Some folks have already figured out where I am going with this and some will be amused and some will be annoyed and some will be ready to yell and scream and pretend I am attacking them personally. Once again people, unless I mention you by name I am not attacking you personally and since I am not the type of person to miss out on the amusement derived from a good argument you should realise that I am talking about a situation, not any single individual.
And where I am going with this is here. If you are supplementing your daily posting limit with multiple forum postings of poems and blog postings of poems, I pretty much know that I will ignore everything you have to say because rare are the exceptions where everything written is worth review and I am talking about me here because I know everything I write is not worthy of review and I only post a couple poems a month at the most.
If you are talking so much, when are you listening?
If you are posting so much, when are you reading? Are your comments demonstrating you actually read the poem or are they more "look at me, look at me" clap-trap?
We are all attention whores to one degree or another else we would not be here but we need to realise that a community built on a competition for attention is unsustainable. Some folks have talent that commands attention, some folks have volume that demands attention, and some folks are politely waiting their turn and being ignored.
Do you always comment on the same people? Why?
Do your comments always talk about you rather than the poem? Why?
Do you participate and keep score and get upset when you comment more on the work of others than they do on yours? Why?
We have aspirations of being an adult focused community even though a significant number of people here are not of age. I'll tell you all the same thing I tell the 13 year old students who join my adult classes for TKD. I will push you to behave and perform as an adult. I will not tolerate whining and quitting. You are asking to join the adults, so join us because I am not structuring my class to accommodate children. If you want a children's class, take it.
If you are posting more poems than comments, you are not playing nice. You are demanding attention while ignoring others. If all of your comments are interchangeable, they are worthless and you are demanding attention while ignoring others. If you can't shut the hell up long enough to actually listen to the voices of others, then you are a selfish child and are missing out on some truly well constructed work.
And while a writer writes, they must have something about which to write and that should not be the same damn subject every bloody time. If all of your poetry is another take on a single theme, get out of the house and experience life. If all you are doing is repeating the same conversation over and over and hoping people will believe you are clever or smart or handsome or pretty or what-the-hell-ever because of it, do us all a favour and SHUT THE HELL UP for a few minutes.
Let others talk and actually listen to them for a change. Tell them what they said, not what you wanted them to say about how wonderful you are.
Or not. Because luckily there are enough people here to listen and converse that I can ignore the selfish ones to my heart's delight.
And I do.