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Jan 30, 2012
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Love Story Number One
It was my fault.
That because of me,
You thought we had love.
That I led you to believe,
That it was fire,
When it was ice.
Maybe I forgave you,
Only to let you keep doing what you did,
Behind my back.
Perhaps you thought that when you were in pain,
I wasn’t.
But I hated that pain.
Because of me,
You tore apart the feeling.
Maybe we had love.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Have you ever felt like your heart has been kicked in the ass, but you didn't know who was responsible?
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
[This option has been removed]
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
China Blue
13 years 5 months ago
Hi
I was about to comment on your work,but I see you are not actively editing which tells me comments or suggestions are not welcome
Search
13 years 5 months ago
oops
ooops! that was actually a mistake. I'll fix it right away.
wesley snow
13 years 5 months ago
I note the same thing.
. wesley
Search
13 years 5 months ago
apologies
Sorry, it was a mistake on my part. But I fixed it now. So you can comment if you would like to.
China Blue
13 years 5 months ago
Search
2nd stanza to many that you also began using that in your first stanza
that not needed in first stanza
and the two in 2nd stanza would not be missed
you have some pretty long run on sentences going on
perhaps you can trim them down
It seems to me another look at your poem might help a bit
a a little re wording
wesley snow
13 years 5 months ago
An overview perhaps...
... I sometimes make note that a poet has produced a piece of prose with line breaks. These are poems with little or no music in the language. Your poem doesn't fall into this category, but neither is it entirely poetic. There are too many "statements of fact" and not enough "beauty". I hesitate to use the word beautiful because many poets misunderstand me and say that their poem is "dark", so how can it be beautiful. I usually respond with- "the same way Milton's Paradise Lost is darkly beautiful".
In my mind, poetry is beauty in language regardless of the subject. Without a certain elegance the poet is left with prose. It may be marvelously evocative prose, but prose it remains.
I apologize if this was a little thick, but it's what your poem caused me to think.
The subject works. As China Blue I suggest a revisit and changes in the wording.
Please let me know if you've posted a revision. I'd like to see which direction you went.
wesley
lou
13 years 5 months ago
Hi
i like the title maybe because it reminds me of the song love potion number 9. I also like the theme. But the poem doesn't flow. For example in stanza one you could say something like ' you thought that we were in love , i caused the confusion, you were mis lead,' obviously I don't expect you to use that, but I just think it's an example of how you could smooth the poem out a little and make it easier to read.
Lou