Hooded Stranger

Dec 06, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Checkmate

I came to make my peace
And set foot upon his sands
Under the banner of trust
He deceived with blood on his hands

I came to give him a chance
And knocked upon his gate
The alliance was short lived
His arrogance was his final mistake

Discriminate, eliminate, annihilate
Intimidate, exterminate, eradicate
Check
Checkmate

Intimidate, exterminate, eradicate
Discriminate, eliminate, annihilate
Check
Checkmate

I came with rage in my soul
Upon his sands we poured
Under the banner of hate
I spilled his blood upon my sword

I came to right the wrong
And brought his kingdom down
His rule had been short lived
And now I wear his bloodied crown

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: West England, GBR

Favorite Poets: Sylvia Plath (poet), Caitlin Mattison/Eddy Styx (poet 'candlewitch'), Enda Collins (poet 'ziggy'), Martin Gore (lyricist for Depeche Mode), Neil Tennant (lyricist for Pet Shop Boys), Stefan Großmann (lyricist for Absurd Minds), Lemmy Kilmister (lyricist for Motörhead), Nathan Reiner (lyricist for Third Realm), Wayne Hussey (lyricist for The Mission), Leonard Cohen (lyricist), Tom Shear (lyricist for Assemblage 23), Clint Carney (lyricist for System Syn & Fake), Ronan Harris (lyricist for VNV Nation), Aaron Lewis (lyricist for Staind), Jason Charles Miller (lyricist for Godhead), Torben Wendt (lyricist for Diorama), Adrian Hates (lyricist for Diary Of Dreams)

Comments

lou

14 years 7 months ago

HS

HS,

i like this one, but maybe you should swap the last two verses with the first two verses.

Or maybe the beginning, and the end should be the same.

i think it would work better.

Lou

Hooded Stranger

14 years 7 months ago

Lou

Lou,

thanks for reading and commenting.

I am going to leave the verses as they are simply because they were written specifically in that order. It is kind of like starting off with good intentions, but ending up in a bloodshed. To swap them would tip the balance off for me.

regards,

themoonman

14 years 7 months ago

Dan ...

The title drew me in, I'm a fan of the game.
One can relate it to many things in life, and here
you've used it well. I did think the final line could
use something, I don't know ... I think I'd have
used "fucking" crown, but can see the reluctance
of others to use such illiterate vulgarities, and I'm
just thinking on the keys anyway ... and you caused
that so ...

thanks

Richard

Hooded Stranger

14 years 7 months ago

Richard

Richard,

you must know me too well, the original did have "fuckin" in the last line. I only withdrew it as I wasn't sure if it really needed it...I may well change it if we record it.

This one does have a deeper meaning for me but I have shown this to other friends and each gets something out of it relating to their own experiences...and I like that.

Thanks for dropping in my friend,

Geezer

14 years 7 months ago

Sometimes I ...

hate not being first to reply to a work, because someone else gets to use what I wanted to say. So I will just say that I agree on both accounts and add that this has big potential as a song. Great job! ~ Gee

Hooded Stranger

14 years 7 months ago

Gee

Gee,

I also hate having lots to say, only to find someone beat me to it!! Lol!

Song potential...I hope so.

Thanks mate,

Hooded Stranger

14 years 7 months ago

Rosina

Rosina,

this piece was almost finished and it was our conversation about revenge that reminded me of this piece. So I updated it and posted it...so thanks for the motivation on this one.

Revenge is sweet!

Thanks for reading,

Kind regards,

Candlewitch

14 years 7 months ago

Dear Dan,

I came with rage in my soul
Upon his sands we poured
Under the banner of hate
I spilled his blood upon my sword

In my dreams I find revenge... you have written something which strikes a chord in me. I hate it when you try to make peace and you get ambushed instead! An inspired write, to be sure!

love, Cat

Hooded Stranger

14 years 7 months ago

Cat

Cat,

They say that revenge brings you down to 'their' level...I have no problem with that...wrongs should be righted (is righted a word?).

Glad you saw the lyrics change from 'coming in peace' and ending in 'revenge'...this one has connections to a few incidents in my life.

Thanks for reading,

regards,

ziggy

14 years 7 months ago

hi hood

yes great lyrics a fantastic song in the making
"his arrogance was his final mistake "
this seems to start out as a peace gesture
and then all hell breaks loose ,,,,zigs

Hooded Stranger

14 years 7 months ago

Zigs

Zigs,

you have been busy catching up on my writes here!

You are correct with the 'peace gesture' and then 'all Hell is let loose'.

This is defeinetly one for our 'to be recorded' list.

You'll get the demo as soon as we have it.

regards,

infinite_dwarf

14 years 6 months ago

Dan

The title was very good, and it brought you in. What I was hoping to see was a little more of the cat and mouse chase as a chess game would be. Actually, this would make for a good short story, as then you can develop it, and write about the actual conquest. For whatever reason, I was reminded of the song The Man's Too Strong by Dire Straits.

All in all, fantastic writing, friend.

Hooded Stranger

14 years 6 months ago

Jess

Jess,

firstly it is great to have you commenting on my work. You were always my favourite and sometimes harshest critiquer!...I always enjoyed your 'no bullshit' approach.

I am in the middle of writing a fantasy novel and part of the story is based loosely on this piece. Since I wrote this as a song, I didn't have the space to expand on the details. Maybe I should write this again as a poem where I can then expand and add more of the 'cat and mouse' chase.

I listened to the Dire Straits track just now...and I can see the connection (although I can't actually stand Dire Straits!)

Thanks for reading and commenting...I really appreciate your views,

infinite_dwarf

14 years 6 months ago

!!!!!!

Not like Dire Straits??!!! Oh, you break my heart, friend. They're one of my fav groups. I actually can't wait to see the developed work, and what you come up with.

Hooded Stranger

14 years 6 months ago

Jess

Jess,

I like numerous bands, but Dire Straits for some reason irritate me, much like Nickleback do.

I have already begun to work on the poetry version of this. I will make sure you get to read it first my friend since it was your idea to begin with and I am enjoying giving it a go.

Thanks,