Nameless ... The Behind the Scenes Story

There was a time when I preferred to be alone. My only obsession was to become a doctor. Lived on it. Thrived on it. Survived on it. Spent my nights dreaming about it. And then one day I stopped. And so began my slow descent into oblivion. Suddenly I didn't know who I was anymore. Suddenly dissapointments started mattering to me and everything else - I just didn't care. To my shame, I ate to fulfill myself; I stopped doing my schoolwork, so that I wouldn't have to think about it. And to my utter dismay - people started noticing me precisely when I just wanted to be left alone. People were scared - inconsistency scares people because suddenly I was too fat on self-pity to fit into the tiny little box that they had created for me. Shame piles on shame. I tried to run from it. I tried to hide from it. I tried to brainwash myself into believing that I was still who I used to be. Shame piles on shame that piles on shame that piles on more shame. I cannot run from it. It's like the brain tumour that never fully goes away. You can be healthy and in remission for as long as you want - but the danger that it might someday return will always be there. And so I've come to accept it. I will never ever be the same. The repurcussions of a few bad decisions will follow me, with dissapointment in myself, for the rest of my life. But somehow I still have hope. Somehow I am finally at peace. That kind of peace that can only ever come after a storm. I still with all my heart want to become a doctor. But I have more to live for now. And that is the greatest gift that anyone ever could have given me. Thank You Lord Jesus. (20 May 2010)