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Apr 13, 2012
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Awakening
Awakening
Rosebud of desire
blooming
hotly centered
in spirited passion
awaking from her dream
still looming
languidly
stretching dainty limbs
silky laughter
on soft full lips
the warmth of her voice
fills him
with all the vibrations
echoing of
strains of silken laughter
About This Poem
Last Few Words: another poem for the manuscript, "Mirror/rorriM" Pleas don't hold back in your critique, I need the truth. Thanks, Cat
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Eduardo Cruz
13 years 3 months ago
Cat,
It is a beautiful write, but for me I think it needs something more that I can sink my teeth into. the illustrations are indeed incredible, but the aliteration is not what I've been use too from you. that's just me sweetie, I like getting lost in both the words and imagery and few do it as good as you.
my favorite lines that moved me:
"silky laughter
on soft full lips
the warmth of her voice
fills him
with all the vibrations
echoing of
strains of silken laughter"
Eddie
Candlewitch
13 years 3 months ago
Dear Eddie,
Thanks so much for your opinion and suggestion as they are highly valued. I will work on this after a few more people have read it, to see what they suggest for changes and additions.
:)
always, Cat
judyanne
13 years 3 months ago
as usual
a great write cat
i really enjoyed the emotion
would love to see 'hotly centred' removed
then i would think this perfect
love judy
xxx
Candlewitch
13 years 3 months ago
Dear Judy,
Thank you for your suggestion, but I think I won't rush into making a change, yet. Steve (my husband) said he likes that line, when I consulted him. I'll wait until I get a few more opinions. Your suggestions are greatly appreciated and welcomed.
love, Cat
Candlewitch
13 years 2 months ago
Dear Lonnie,
Thanks for your continued support. You are very generous.
always in appreciation. Cat
Nordic cloud
13 years 3 months ago
Very sensuous
The rose still dripping her gown
onto the green sward
has awoken and is blooming
with colour and flare
that strikes velvet kisses on our cheeks.
silken laughter and "silky laughter on soft full lips"...I can't take,
its "too much tea." For me anyway.
Could be fiery centred judyanne?
Ann.
Candlewitch
13 years 2 months ago
Dear Ann,
Thank you very much for reading and commenting on this piece. Comments and suggestions are very important to me as this is for a book of poetry titled: "Mirror/rorriM" by c.m. Mattison (me) By the way I love what you have written here!
always, Cat
Eduardo Cruz
13 years 3 months ago
Cat,
I have come back to this write a few times and you know what I am wrong in my first comment this is perfect as is. sometimes I think I over think it. (too many workshops) Hahaha!
My apologies!
Eddie
...
Candlewitch
13 years 2 months ago
Dear Eddie,
Thank you, very much, for coming back for a second read. I am honoredm and I value your opinion.
always, Cat
Roscoe Lane
13 years 3 months ago
Cat,
Cat, i believe Eddies correct with his second answer don't change a thing. It's perfect. Love Roscoe...
Candlewitch
13 years 2 months ago
Thank You Roscoe,
As per your request, I won't change a word! Much appreciated!
always, Cat
MDT
13 years 3 months ago
...
mrs candlewitch, i like this one, for the use of words and imagery create a nice short little snapshot film in my mind..like a gif. I like the first lines
Rosebud of desire
blooming
hotly centered
in spirited passion
awaking from her dream
still looming
languidly
stretching dainty limbs
:)
Candlewitch
13 years 2 months ago
Hello MDT!
I had such a nice time chatting with you, and sharing thoughts and facts, yesterday! Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this poem. I really appreciate you telling me what you liked about it.
always, Cat
loved
13 years 2 months ago
As usual off the track it's always loved
the ecstasy expressed by rose buds
desires unfurling in the morning dew,
the lovers eyes await for her silkiness true
and
caresses the sweetest lips
how I wish we all do
to express a pint of happiness
a burning desire at the warmest mornings welcome.
I ain't any poetic material,
but dare to induce pearls of wisdom,
hope in a friendly way you will take it
As you always do.