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Apr 19, 2012
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Who Goes There?...
In trying not to think, he thought
There was blackness all around
He knew his soul was bought
Now it takes him to the ground
Killer sees a mindless frenzy
By innocence portrayed
The truth of what he's done
At his feet is laid
Sir Gee; his brother warned him
Please give up your fruitless goal
Here is the truth; for eternal youth
You give your immortal soul"
Blackest thoughts do seize him
Guilt trips him up again
Makes him yet again the monster
Emotion loosed from chain
He lashes out and hits Sir Gee
He screams curses and he shouts
I am part you and you part me
You cannot throw me out"
Just as you try to save me
I resist with all my might
You can't see in the dark
I can't bear the light"
Though you say that we are brothers
You must know that isn't so
You're my father, gave me life
To bury what you know"
You pretend it didn't happen
But we know the awful truth
The darkside was too much to bear
For a skinny little youth
I do those things you cannot do
You've got too much to lose
I'm your child, you know it
You're the one who set me loose"
Vile thing, you're just my brother
My evil, sinful twin
You lie! I don't believe you
I do not know, where this begins"
I never was a coward
I took up the sword of right
You're the one with issues
Killing in the night
Does the flesh of all those sinners
Taste so good to you?
That you will damn us both?
For that is what you do
Nay, do not decieve yourself
Paint yourself with light
Nor you, Sir Gee try to see
What is within the night
Sir Gee turns the other cheek
Before the blood begins to flow
He hasn't won the battle
But now he has to know
Who else lurks in the shadow?
A quest to ride upon
What else is there to know
In the night before the dawn
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I took some of the constructive comments and used them as best I could, without changing the meaning of the poem for me. I have to maintain a certain thought mode to continue the story. Thanks for the help.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
William Saint George
13 years 3 months ago
Hmmm
I read this one because of the title. It pulled me in. The rhyme and pacing in the first verse got be started, but you deviated from the rhyme scheme and the meter (if I'm right). Though the rest of the poem was interesting, I wish you could have continued as you had started.
That this was a dialogue was not so apparent till I got to the middle. It begun to look like a Jekyll and Hyde sort of situation, and the psychological confrontation was quite powerful.
What made it even better was the last stanza, which got me thinking (and also justified the title) that probably there is someone else out there, outside of him, who is only taunting and playing on the persona's mind.
This was a dark write, and was quite thrilling to the end,
Geezer
13 years 3 months ago
Hmmmm...
Yes, I did deviate from the rhyme scheme and the meter too. This is only the rough draft, I Am glad that you liked it and promise that there will be more from Killer and Sir Gee. I am having a little trouble in separating the dialouge, so that it is more apparent, but I'm sure that I will get some help from some of you out there. Thanks for reading and commenting. ~ Geezer
Ian.T
13 years 3 months ago
Gee
This seemed to drift a lot from the story not sure what to say other than a little work is needed which is unusual for your work.
I will have a good look at it and get back to you when time permits, you take care out there and stay in the light, Yours Ian.T
Geezer
13 years 3 months ago
As I said...
to William, it is a work in progress. Thanks for the read and comment. I look forward to your suggestions. ~ Geezer.
China Blue
13 years 3 months ago
Gee
The only problem I had with this one was in one place you say you're my father then in another you call him brother
otherwise it is a wonderful story or is it a story at all muwahhhhha
Geezer
13 years 3 months ago
Yes...
It is a story. It is a dialouge by two separate people. It is a work in progress and I'm so glad that you like it. Be looking for the continuation. Stay tuned! ~ Geezer
weirdelf
13 years 3 months ago
A poem written in the bright light of day.
You and killer talk, confront, you have never done this before. and done in near flawless verse.
I am impressed and disturbed, is this the end of Killer?
Actually it seems to me you have stopped blaming killer and embraced your dark side. Very scary, very brave.
Stay the fuck out of my neighbourhood!
Geezer
13 years 2 months ago
Sir Gee has...
confronted Killer a couple of times before, but those poems have been lost in "The Crash", and there was no backup. There is one surviving work that hints in the last lines, that there is trouble between Sir Gee and Killer. It is called Birth of a killer. No, this is not the end of Killer! If anything, Killer appears to stronger than ever. Sir Gee is off on one of his stupid quests, and I don't know what is going to keep Killer from devolving to his former state. Mostly, Killer has been kinda good because he don't want to listen to Sir Gee and his constant blathering about doing the right thing, or maybe not doing the wrong thing! Not much chance of Killer making an appearance in your neighborhood anytime soon but; you never know! Thanks for the high praise and the comments, ~ Gee
weirdelf
13 years 2 months ago
Steven King would let Killer live
Tolkein would have let Sir Gee triumph!
Geezer
13 years 2 months ago
I guess...
I'm a Steven King kinda guy, although I did love the Ring trilogy. ~ Gee
Candlewitch
13 years 3 months ago
Dear Sir Gee & Killer,
This would read so much easier if you could put it in two different colors, say red for Killer dialogue and black for yours. I'll be back later for another read. It is soooo good to see you posting your work again!
always, eddy (& cat)
Geezer
13 years 2 months ago
Thanks Cat...
If there is a way to do that [change colors for different characters], I would love to know. It would indeed, make things easier to understand for the readers not familiar with Killer and Sir Gee. Killer will be traveling a bit in the next few weeks, [sorta like a "walkabout". He needs to make some adjustments in his life. Stay tuned for further news! Love ya, ~ Gee
Ian.T
13 years 2 months ago
Gee
Have just re read this one and now it is more refined and makes better sense, It is hard to go where you want us to if there are a few problems with the write but you have it sorted now and long may they both live in Un harmony always, Yours Ian.T
Geezer
13 years 2 months ago
Thanks for the critique...
and the support, Killer says Hi. I guess; that at this point, everyone that has been following the birth and growth of Killer, has enough background to realise that Killer is the darkside of Sir Gee. Sort of the old Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde thing.I suspect that there is another personality hiding in the relationship of the two... I think everyone is going in the same direction now. Thanks for helping out, Geezer
Seren
12 years 7 months ago
Dear Sir Gee
I liked this one I loved the rhythm and pace, I am slowly digging out the Killer poems lol how many more have I got to find ? any ideas hahaha its all good I am enjoying catching up
I really liked this one the battle within, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde eat your heart out
love and higgliest bugs JC x
Geezer
12 years 7 months ago
I'm not really sure...
of how many "Killer" poems there are! I do know that as he has morphed into his present character, he has become like one of my children. I have tried to guide his character with the use of his alter-ego Sir Gee, who has been moderatly successful. Now "Killer" just kills "bad" people. Yes, it is the battle of a dual-personality. I'm glad you visited this one and brought me back to the premise that there could be yet another personality hidden here. I'm still thinking of adding that demension to the story of Killer. ~ Love and higgest bugs, ~ Gee