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Angel Beneath the Trees
When I first saw you,
You were standing beneath the trees.
I could hear your mind whispering your thoughts.
The winds were circling around you,
Like children in play.
I wondered, if you could feel the embrace they were giving,
or noticed the glow you radiated of beauty.
You reminded me of an angel
who stepped away to sing in solitude
of the wonderments which harbored within.
You caused the tree to weep in sympathy,
with its leaves, to graze upon your skin.
Still, your look was obviously far away,
Accustomed to feeling, alone.
As you began to stroll back to your home,
still, with the look of emptiness,
I couldn't help but to follow at a distance.
How much I wanted to race my steps,
So, that maybe I could walk beside you.
Find the courage to say 'Hello'.
But, I felt as though I was not worthy,
of standing before someone as precious as you.
How could one with such magnificence,
ever feel as though they go unnoticed?
uncared for?
or that they just blended with the backgrounds of pictures?
I could hear the echo of your heart,
and I knew the lyrics word for word,
for it was the same song played within my own.
The chorus being repeated more than once
to stress convinced reality
is what kept me from following my heart.
So, now I am left, just like you, harboring the echoes of emptiness.
I felt the pain, as I allowed you to close the door.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
phxdreams
13 years 2 months ago
What a beautiful reply...
What a beautiful reply... thank you mark. ;)
Dalton
13 years 1 month ago
Hi
Sometimes less is more. You have some beautiful images here. To describe the wind as "like children in play" I've never read anything like that before. But the poem to me feels about a third too long. That you could say so much more with fewer words. Simplicity holds within its heart a power that humbles gods and men.
Maybe its just me. Your not a bad poet I think maybe your still learning. Its just an oppinion.
phxdreams
13 years 1 month ago
I have been working on
I have been working on shorter writes. and I appreciate your response, with this poem I was trying to convey the whole story. all ideas are welcome..thanks! ;)
Sergio Vagros
13 years 1 month ago
Free Verse
You caused the tree to weep in sympathy,
with its leaves, to graze upon your skin.
Loved it...FREE VERSE!!!!!!!
phxdreams
13 years 1 month ago
Thank you so much!
Thank you so much!
scribbler
13 years 1 month ago
Hello
A great use of imagery in free verse. Too many people are alone just because they, like your protagonist, are too afraid of rejection. I think your poem would read a bit easier if broken into stanzas...............stan
phxdreams
13 years 1 month ago
how would you have it broken
how would you have it broken up? I appreciate the reply :)
loved
13 years 1 month ago
the freer the verse the better tis
but how i wish
we free verses don't miss
no one reads
epics
glad yours many did
phxdreams
13 years 1 month ago
thank you so much for the
thank you so much for the beautiful reply ;)
Ian.T
13 years 1 month ago
Pixie
Your story is of many that stand and wait for something they need to run toward and hold tight never letting go..
Keep this as a story then convert it to a poem using the bones of the piece to give the reader that beautiful picture of yearning and not being forward enough to grab those things you could love.
This would make an excellent poem in poetic form even in free verse, put the poem on top of this one and then we can see how a beautiful poem emerges from a story, Yours Ian.T