Candlewitch

Apr 24, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Autumn Afternoon (from prose to poetry workshop)

Autumn Afternoon

view from my front porch
affords me vistas
from
the Autumn seasons
cornucopia
of vibrant foliage
as my heart dances
with the journey
of the falling
wind blown leaves

later in my room
scribing letters
to my artist friend
on a far away shore
looking out my window
I see the wind has risen
by the fluctuating movement
of leaves against
the background of
moving clouds in the sky
and my amazement of nature
is monumentally increased

once again I rest myself
upon the bottom of the old steps
weathered in elements and age
which would lead me to sandy knolls
my mind is taken to
peaceful places of pleasure
as I accept this gift of nature
serenity is mine
-----------------------------------------------

Cloudthings (Anni's) original plain prose piece:

When I sit on a verandah in the autumn afternoon, watching the leaves glow chrimson or saffron bright in the late, rich sunlight, I wonder what it is that makes our hearts echo that glow so deeply?

Sitting in my back room, writing letters to a friend, long absent, playing “artist in residence” in Korea, I gaze out my big window to get lost in the swaying, shifting mass of gum leaves against the sky. Again, mesmerized and somehow fulfilled and inspired by the interplay of tree and weather.

Perched beneath the weathered stumps of old steps leading down from the dunes, I cannot resist the trance-like state that overwhelms my senses, siren-like, I vaguely consider. In the end, there is no point in knowing why, it is a gift that nature brings us meditation in such a natural way

About This Poem

Last Few Words: This is a piece written for the workshop: from prose to poetry. We were assigned a piece of plain prose of a group member. The assignment was to take plain prose and turn it into poetry. I was assigned Cloudthings (Anni) Autumnal piece. The resultant poetry is posted first. Under it is posted the plain prose it was taken from.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda, Jim Morrison, the whole of Neopoet and many more.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

scribbler

13 years 2 months ago

Hi Cat

Until I reached the last stanza this read as poetic prose to me. Now one must keep in mind I write little free verse and thus may have been looking for something which was not required lol. Then came the last stanza which did a wonderful job of conveying the peace of the protagonist (maybe it is the alliteration in line 6 of this stanza but the increased imagery also plays a part). My one suggestion you might consider is to drop "at hand" in last line...........stan

Candlewitch

13 years 2 months ago

Dear Stan,

There is a fine line between flowery prose and free verse. I have done as you suggested and dropped the words fro the last line.

Thank you, Cat

judyanne

13 years 2 months ago

hi cat

i can't help feel that this is mostly still prose
(lol - as my own write is i might add)
a little less of 'doing' (with 'i see', 'i do') and more descriptive emotion might help

a clever transposition of form though
i really like the lines
'the Autumn seasons
cornucopia
of vibrant foliage
as my heart dances
with the journey
of the falling
wind blown leaves'

love judy
xxxx

Candlewitch

13 years 2 months ago

Thanks Judy,

I'll keep that in mind. I need to see what the others say before I make major changes. Sometimes there is a fine line between flowery prose and free verse. Thanks for reading and giving your opinion.

always, Cat xxx

Loreli

13 years 2 months ago

Hi Cat

peaceful places of pleasure
as I accept this gift of nature
serenity is mine

....my favorite lines (as this is how I often feel walking in the woods by my home). Nice job Cat. :)

Candlewitch

13 years 2 months ago

Dear Lorleli,

Thank you! I see you picked up on the lines of alliteration. Nice to see you!

always, Cat

scribbler

13 years 2 months ago

Me again

As I've commented to others in this shop seems to be people are having a harder time with these conversions than was expected. I should have required folks to identify the poetic form they chose to use thus making it easier for others to comment. Too late to say uh oh! now lol. I have some suggestions that might help out :
S-1, L-3 change from to of
......L-8 maybe start verse with along
S-2, L-5 change looking to gazing or peering
.......L-7 fluctuating just does not seem to be the right word
.......L-10 add a bit more description of clouds
S-3 L-3 change in to by
......L-4 change would to begs

Please keep looking your poem over. The next shop stage will be doing a final edit....................stan