weirdelf

May 19, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Vulnerabaiku

a house of snowflakes
under a saharan sun
bespeaks sanity

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Sydney, Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: The Romantics, The Mersey Sound, The Beats and, of course, The Bard

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Comments

weirdelf

13 years 2 months ago

yep, I'm pretty relaxed about haiku/senryu form

English can not produce perfect haiku. Syllables don't equal 'On'
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/On_(Japanese_prosody).

I just regard it as three very short, compact lines rich in poetic content. That's my goal, anyway.

Ian.T

13 years 2 months ago

Jess

Something about Greenhouses and throwing stones springs to mind, this made me smile.
Could just picture you sitting there, Chinese water torture to the end lol, wondering what to do with the water, and taking out a tissue to wipe it away the mind is now Boggled, Yours Ian.T

PS:- Please define poetic content we have had of late many changes , where free verse, prose and many other not poetic forms of writing are coming in to our stream.
Do we need clarification on the differences, Yours Ian....??

weirdelf

13 years 2 months ago

define poetic content?

get off the grass!
Seriously, yes it is a big, contentious topic which has been partially addressed recently in Stan's Prose to poetry workshop and will be addressed further.
In briefest terms I consider it compression of meaning with imagery.

Rula

13 years 2 months ago

A catchy title indeed sir !!

snow flakes can't go with the Sahara Hot sun.
Does this mean that sinity has vanished?

weirdelf

13 years 2 months ago

perhaps it has,

or perhaps the Saharan sun is a delusion
or perhaps the sanity is.
Open to reader interpretation.

believe

13 years 2 months ago

mmmm

Im learning slowly weirdelf , Like the end .,...."bespeaks my sanity"

weirdelf

13 years 2 months ago

it's based in the japanese haiku/senryu forms

a quick google or wikipedia will provide heaps of info,
ta

judyanne

13 years 2 months ago

rotflmao

love this senryu jess

great alliteration
and excellent satori
- you know what though - i don't reckon you need the 'my'

love judy
xxx

weirdelf

13 years 2 months ago

you know what?

I thought about that 'my' and looking at it again I'm going to remove it,
thanks judy

Esker

13 years 2 months ago

subtle changes

I like this poem
I wanted to remove the "A"
in first line

"house of snowflakes"
i like myth concepts like titles
"house of tears"
"hall of mirrors" etc

but it works here fine

"under the Saharan sun"
when reading aloud one can
read it tradition style with emphasis
like "Thee" etc

and I wanted to put
"A" on the bottom finishing line
to imply that sanity has many faces
and a thousand legal definitions
depending on how good your lawyer
is

when I first read this I liked the "my" in
the last line but see that it really ecspands
the works (my ec's on my keyboard doesnt work)

Thank You

weirdelf

13 years 2 months ago

thanks for the thoughtful feedback

I don't feel that removing a in the first line adds much.
I can see you point with a in the last line, it would make it truer, but reduce impact.

scribbler

13 years 2 months ago

Hi

I guess the "my" you removed must have been in last line. Only those willing to accept the absurd can be judged try sane is my take on this. Not sure if this is Haiku or Senryu as it contains elements of both( not that labeling matters). In any event it was enjoyable................stan

weirdelf

13 years 2 months ago

interesting take

isn't it wonderful that even 17 syllables can reveal layers of meaning? I love poetry.

Yeah, I invited the question of form by alluding to haiku in the title, but I don't really mind what it is called.