docmaverick

May 22, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

I Sing of Caramel Swift Electra !

A decided hitch has come to fruition
sabotoging the glide in my stride,
Worcestershire nights, so cold and damp

the Northern Lights makes us want to go, hide;
there's truely magic in the air!
Better walk it off, before it starts to cramp!

Salty, lemon-jello moonbeams
illuminate my weary eyes,
but, a feather could've bent me off of my skid!

Worry not, because I kept my balance'
and joggered not, into my dawn's surprise!
Let's get closer, so we don't disrupt the grid.

Dandylion moth anntennae
drifting decidedly, North;
sketching etchings with a silence way too loud;

caramel swift ! and the quick leaves are way, too bold!
Under our skies-ambiguous cold,
our collective alibi's an unruly crowd!

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Now, I'm "sinking" for the tersery, time !

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: The High Desert, in the wild west, southern California, U.S. of A.., USA

Favorite Poets: Keates, Poe, Dickinson, and Dr. Seuss. There are a smattering of others, but why bother listing 'em all, ya know?, I also rely on a few of our poets, here....for advice, and what not. I couldn't possibly explain what a fountain of live, effective knowledge we have...right here in our midst ! To catch a glimmer of brilliance, merely visit: the Stream.

Comments

IKnowNoBox

13 years 1 month ago

An engaging write,

'sketching etchings with a silence way too loud;' what a gem of a verse too. Thank you Doc. Good to see you are still writing.

In ink,
David

docmaverick

13 years 1 month ago

Very kind of you to say, Sir David....

...I sincerely appreciate the "feedback"! This one was a bit of an "oddball"....but, it means something to me. It was about a "tryst" with a certain pair of identical twins.....and, how they were playing a "secret" game of fooling me! I could never quite correctly guess which one I was with. An example of my word, "scandalousity" at it's finest.
Thanx, again;
docmaverick.

docmaverick

13 years 1 month ago

Also, Lonnie....

...my title came in part, from the Twilight Zone episode called, "I sing the body, electric!"....where the family purchases a "nannie" that's a hybrid android, that remains the same age as the rest of the family aged..and met up with thier personal, resulting circumstances.

PLUS, I also thought of Ms. Carmen Electra.
eclectically,
docmaverick.

p.s.) It was really "nice" to share keyboard cadences with you, once again !

judyanne

13 years 1 month ago

hi doc

i don’t usually read others comments before making mine
but I had to this time as I really didn’t know what you were saying until i read your explanation to david
(hello david - nice to see you)
lol - i still don’t ‘get it’ – but that is probably me – lol – sometimes you are too ‘deep’ for me

my obtuseness doesn’t detract from interest in the write however…
I love the descriptive
‘Salty, lemon-jello moonbeams
illuminate my weary eyes’
and
‘Dandylion moth antennae’ – (typo ‘dandelion’)

and the alliteration
‘drifting decidedly, North’

and the internal rhyme
‘sketching etchings with a silence way too loud’

the ending gives a slight clue
‘ our collective alibi's an unruly crowd!’

my only real crit is the use of quotation marks and excessive punctuation with the exclamation marks – I really don’t think they are needed and they draw my attention from the text….

love judy
xxx

docmaverick

13 years 1 month ago

Judy....

...I THINK I fixed it. Thanx, for the encouragement.