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AmmaKonadu
AmmaKonadu
May 25, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

LIES

A drop of soul and dust did brew
The fruit of love was true
The delicate vessel I became
I carried alone our passion's flame

The breath of a dear one I did hold
I watched the magic unfold
That precious gift of unity
Of nature held then within me

Love-seeds under the starry sky
We sowed together...you and I
So why did you do this, tell me, why?
Why did you let our love tree die?

.....

What we crafted now asks of you
What do I say, what do I do?

I hold his hand and lead him there
Where our love-tree was first planted
Tears fill my eyes to find it bare
That spot where we dreamed all we wanted

So I tell a lie...
I tell and cry...
I tell a lie...for you.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Accra/Ghana/West Africa, GHA

Favorite Poets: Wilfred Owen, Claude Mckay, W. H. Auden, John Donne, Shakespeare!

More from this author

Comments

S

scribbler

13 years 1 month ago

hello

I really enjoyed this as it so well presented full range of emotions. I have a few ideas you might consider :
Line 4 try carried, alone, our passion's flame
Line 8 maybe , of nature held then within me
Line 10 try we sowed together, you and I
use or not as you see fit these are just ideas.............stan

AmmaKonadu

AmmaKonadu

13 years 1 month ago

Stan!

Thanks for the suggestions. I really appreciate them!

AmmaKonadu

AmmaKonadu

13 years 1 month ago

Loved

I appreciate your suggestion.
Thanks!

judyanne

judyanne

13 years 1 month ago

awesome

powerful
i wouldn't suggest you change a single word
love judy
xxx

no - changed my mind :)
'That spot where we dreamed all we wanted' is a bit awkward... and misses rhyme
quick suggestion
where time to dream has been added
xx

loved

loved

13 years 1 month ago

When Judy says.....

just say yes
listen not to quacks like me
who know damn all of poetry
simply ask friend Jess

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 1 month ago

three exlamation marks is a sign of psychosis

only joking, but seriously that last line doesn't need even one exclamation mark.

I get why everyone is raving about the raw emotion of this poem, but there are several stylistic things I find problematic. Especially the Yoda speak. You know the Star Wars movies? Yoda? He inverts all his sentences.
did brew
I became
did hold

Apart from that, a very fine poem.

AmmaKonadu

AmmaKonadu

13 years 1 month ago

I know nothing about...

the star wars.
Thanks for stopping by.
I guess i used the exclamation marks because i was screaming it out in my head as i wrote.

weirdelf

weirdelf

13 years 1 month ago

forget Star Wars then

those three endline examples I gave you? You have inverted the natural word order and it makes it sound like contrived poetry.

And I really seriously suggest you delete those exclamation marks, they cheapen your expression