better - it hints at the approach of spring without using a season word – and, to my limited knowledge, that is one of the aims of the form
it forms the thought/ picture with the first two lines, then joins the thought of the first two with an ‘ahh/ shock’ moment - the satori

the only crit I have is with the title
now I may well be wrong, and we’ll see if anyone is kind enough to tell me so…but it is my understanding that the title of a haiku/ senryu is either simply ‘haiku’, or the first line followed by ‘haiku’ in brackets

eg, yours should be
‘perched perilously (haiku)’

- now this loses you the chance of telling what the poem is about with different words in the title… the idea being that the whole thought is to be 17 syllables or less…
(with your title you use 19)
see what I mean?

I think with a little work you could intimate the dew drop into the work
regardless, I really like the vision this gives me
love judy
xxx

Nordic cloud

13 years 1 month ago

Like the idea

I don't think a haiku ever has a title,
and this would lose the dew drop completely without it!

"perched perilously
it sparkled like a diamond
momentarily"

perched perilously
momentarily it sparkled
dew drop diamond

No I'm just playing

a diamond sparkles
perched perilously
dew drop

This last one I think is more in the sense of a haiku,
trying to make the lines the right length, in English,
when the original language for them is Japanese
sometimes makes their contrived results
totally loose the essence of the haiku

eg:- Buson

On the temple bell
resting, asleep
A butterfly

or the famous one by Basho (The master)

The ancient pond
a frog jumps in
the sound of water

As you see in translation they loose the syllable count,
as to loose the spirit of the haiku would leave it without its poetic power.

I am butting in to a workshop,'scuse I

Ann.

judyanne

13 years 1 month ago

my favourite

green frog
is your body also
freshly painted?

(Akutagawa, Ryunosuke)

raj

13 years 1 month ago

Hi Judyanne & Ann

thanks for taking the time to read and your thoughtful comment...in fact you caught me red handed lol because i was uncomfortable in giving it a title but as you read me correctly ...i.e.., i did it because without the title the haiku may not be comprehensible...i agree wholeheartedly that i would need to try out various combinations as suggested by Ann which i will definitely try to do and hopefully achieve to capture the essence without a title...

please keep critiquing my efforts...which is always welcome...

much love..

loved

13 years 1 month ago

MY REGRETS and apologies

Diamonds
are the hardest of hardest
will a liquidification description be appropriate??
The original was good enough
it gave some imagination
to dews
as a variety of droplets .

raj

13 years 1 month ago

your opinion noted. however i

your opinion noted. however i will stay with my poetic perception...

loved

13 years 1 month ago

That's it Each one must behave as an entity

if all of us thought alike
there would be no creativity ,
but still , despite your liquidity
I have to wish you to maintain
an identity
liquid diamonds... not withstanding

raj

13 years 1 month ago

thanks for sharing your

thanks for sharing your opinion...