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Jun 12, 2012
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At the Sunset (internal rhyme)(Rhyme Crimes WS)
I always wanted to creep 'n
sleep in your heart-ocean
So deep shall leap my heart
If ever you accept the notion.
Or should I be a commotion,
an abrupt motion in your sea?
Know, I shall always be a wave, brave
to save a love, if stolen from me.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
wesley snow
13 years 1 month ago
Rula, this is a gas!
What has happened to your writing? Since coming to NeoPoet everything I see coming from you is three times as complex as your work before and this "rhymer" is brilliantly original. Talk about writing out of the box.
wesley
Rula
13 years 1 month ago
Thank you sir
What happened? I think I've just opened my heart following your steps...Thanks for leaving such a generous comment.Appreciate giving the time.
themoonman
13 years 1 month ago
Hi Rula ...
I always wanted to creep 'n
sleep in your heart -ocean
So deep shall leap my heart
If ever you accept the notion.
Or should I be a commotion,
an abrupt motion in you-sea?
Know, I shall always be a wave, brave
to save a love, if ever been stolen from me.
Ok, I copied it here so I could see it easily,
I question your use of the hyphen, for one thing
it shouldn't have a space between unless "and"
is part of the run on, but it also should be sensible,
heart -ocean; perhaps heart-ocean which I would've
used heart's ocean. The "you-sea", the hyphen is right
but it makes little sense, perhaps your-sea but I don't
think there would be a need for the hyphen there.
I like your little poem and it was only these two things
that caused me to stop, which a poet doesn't want the
reader to do, it should flow with ease, at least that's what
we strive for. Your internal rhyme was right on, I really liked
the first line which is a grabber for me.
thank you for posting
Rula
13 years 1 month ago
Richard
Thank you for giving the time .In fact you've stopped on the same spots where I did when I first composed .I didn't mean to leave the space in the first pause however so I simply did the edit .As for the second, I liked your suggestion so I've corrected accordingly
Thank you again.Highly appreciated.
judyanne
13 years 1 month ago
what an awesome write rula
this is beautiful
i have one question
'to save a love, if ever been stolen from me'
-'been' -- i'm just wondering if you might mean 'being' - as in happening at the time, rather than 'been' as in past tense??
- but can i suggest that you drop the word altogether? for rhythm...
great rhyme, lovely theme
love judy
xxx
Rula
13 years 1 month ago
Ooops
Corrected dear Neopoet Cop [smiles]
judyanne
13 years 1 month ago
lol (swinging my baton)
perhaps if you should spell it 'tis'
xxxx
Rula
13 years 1 month ago
oh my
Thanks cop
weirdelf
12 years 11 months ago
lovely write Rula,
and it satisfies not just in content and the 'terms of the exercise' but in a feeling of naturalness, so hard to attain.