CRASHES--edit

CRASHES
The trees swayed frozen
in the wind
like gallows heavy
with their burden
and the garden was stunned
by a sudden crash
of winter.
no smell of coffee
warmed the kitchen.
no voices the heart.
all souls fell fallow
by a sudden crash
of mourning

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: USA

Comments

Esker

13 years ago

Excellent write...But I cant help but to change your last lines

"all souls fell fallow
by the suddness
of mourning"

I always rush my lines sometimes
like a tram departing a stop

I dont know what meter or beat is
just a feeling

Ive been influenced by rap
and music
Linkin Park especially

I like the speed of this though
when I read it
the abstractions crisp
and moving

unusually different
from your usual and I like it

Thank You

Geremia

13 years ago

Thanks. Your line reads

Thanks. Your line reads better.

BlueDemon77

13 years ago

Geremia, my first exposure to your work.

I'm impressed. The 1/2 symmetry is effective, and as with many of my favorite poems it leaves just a blinding flash on my emotional memory that rings true and stays there white hot in my mind's eye. I also must complement you on the detachment you showed here. I'm not sure if that is the correct word but never did the pronoun "I" appear. It's something I aspire to as a poet. Thank you and I will look forward with great excitement to see your next works.

Ron

Kailashana2

13 years ago

I too, have read your recent

I too, have read your recent works, Joe. It seems you've come into your own style, brief and packing everything into a few lines. Nary a whine, well done and L'Chaim!

Geremia

13 years ago