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Jul 07, 2012
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The Blackened Face of Freedom
In minutes it arrived
singing in low voices and
swinging from street lights.
It danced under branches
and wallowed in the breeze.
It hid under carpet and
scrabbled out of leaves.
It slipped over and laughed like
a hundred wobbling cranes.
Then pulled me closer while
whispering your soft name.
It was a freedom etched in
sadness with a solemn
blackened face.
About This Poem
Last Few Words:
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Roscoe Lane
13 years 3 months ago
I think,
I think this is good, apart from one line. Surely a sensation like this would not hide, but escape from under a carpet. I think if you change this it could help make it a very good poem. Regards Roscoe..
Ian.T
13 years 3 months ago
Ju ju
Firstly welcome to Neopoet and I hope that your walk with us will be lovely.
I liked this one but our Roscoe as I doesn't sweep things under the carpet..
"It hid under carpet and"
So
" Peeping out from carpets cover"
I think that this was to show that things swept under the carpet would be released in your freedom, so let them come out in your race,
Yours Ian.T
Ju.ju.bee
13 years 3 months ago
Thanks!
Thank you both for your comments. They're helpful. That line was one which has bugged me most and still I can't seem to resolve it.. Hmmm.. back to the notepad :)