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K

Kailashana2

Jul 09, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

A Greek Tragedy

Lost in the metaphor of you,
I submit
one last time.
The shackles of persistence
hang like a low
dark cloud upon my shoulders
and truth is a key I wear around
my neck, weighing me down.

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Ohio, USA

Favorite Poets: Bokonon: “Let your life be the poem you write”. , I'm still writing.....

More from this author

Comments

13 years ago

It does,

It does feel as dark as any Greek could offer, the only thing i'd change is. Take away the (and) in the second last line. And then i'd say it's good. Love Roscoe..

K

13 years ago

Hmmm. Maybe. Need to find

Hmmm. Maybe. Need to find another *connecting* word. Any ideas, Roscoe?

~A

13 years ago

I would,

I would begin the sentence with truth, or you could try , alas, with a comma after shoulders. Love Roscoe...

13 years ago

i really like this anna

i like the 'and' also
but if you are looking to change it would 'with' (without the 'as', as in 'with truth a key...') work for you?

great title
love judy
xxx

K

13 years ago

Nah, I'll keep the and.

Nah, I'll keep the *and*.

You know what? It's the thing the one word that connects without any doubt.

;-)

13 years ago

Anna

Lovely write, I think that "where" would join those lines without a whisper.

The shackles of persistence
hang like a low
dark cloud upon my shoulders,
where truth is a key I wear around
my neck, weighing me down.

And is OK but if needs must then !!!!!! Yours Ian.T