Candlewitch

Jul 12, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Bliss (plus revision)

Bliss (original)

most of all, I miss our mingled laughter...

traveling the telephone lines,
burning away the many miles
of the abyss of distance between us,
your heart and mine.

your envisioned smile
took me to an elevated state of bliss...
----------------------------------------

Bliss (suggested changes)

Bliss
most of all, I miss our shared laughter...
traveling the telephone lines,

banishing the many miles
of the abyss between,
your heart and mine.

your imagined smile
took me to an elevated state of bliss...

About This Poem

Last Few Words: another poem for the manuscript, "Mirror rorriM" I appreciate all comments and suggestions. thanks, Cat

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda, Jim Morrison, the whole of Neopoet and many more.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

loved

13 years ago

abyss of distance

you seem to have converted
hurt into laughter ,
in a while
to make life worthwhile
from bliss to bliss
Oh miss!

great abyss

Candlewitch

13 years ago

Dear Loved,

Thank you for your read and comment :)

always, Cat

docmaverick

13 years ago

a very nice....

...contemplative read. Plus, I too, know of that, elevated state.
Cheers,
doc.

Candlewitch

13 years ago

Dear Doc,

Thank you for your nice comment.

always, Cat

judyanne

13 years ago

beautiful cat

'I miss our mingled laughter...
,,, traveling the telephone lines,
burning away the many miles
of the abyss of distance between us,
your heart and mine.'

evokes so any menories in so few words
love it
nothing to crit
- but i wonder if you need 'of distance'?
why not just 'the abyss between us'?
love judy
xxx

Candlewitch

13 years ago

Thanks, Judy!

I'm glad you enjoyed my little blurb of prose. I will have to think about your suggestion. I'll wait and see if anyone else mentions it. maybe I should have said "physical distance"? It is always a pleasure to get a visit from you. Thank you.

love, Cat

Bonitaj

13 years ago

Ah Cat!

isn't bliss always an elevated state? Liked the tautological use of symbols and am want to reminisce on a little "blissful" encounter myself! ;)
Nice work!

Candlewitch

13 years ago

Dear Boni,

Yes! Bliss is the best high I know of and it is all natural! Thank you for your comment.

always, Cat

raj

13 years ago

The blissful feeling of

The blissful feeling of listening to the laughter and voice of a loved one expressed so nicely here..after all bliss is a state of mind irrepressible by the physical distance..

Candlewitch

12 years 12 months ago

Dear raj,

So nice to see you! I hope you have been well. Thank you for reading and commenting :)

always, Cat

Roscoe Lane

13 years ago

I to,

I to like this Cat, but everytime i read it i want to take away, (of distance.) So it would read. burning away the many miles of the abyss betweeen us, your heart and mine. I think it reads better this way, but either way it's still great. Love Roscoe..

Candlewitch

12 years 12 months ago

Thank you Roscoe,

for reading and your suggestion. Yours is the second for removing the word "distance" so I shall eliminate it. Thank you!

love, Cat

scribbler

12 years 12 months ago

Hi Cat

I like it just as it is but since you asked for suggestions I'll supply some alternatives :
line 1 could say shared instead of mingled (might denote a more intimate feel)
line 3 Try Banishing the many miles (just an alternative)
line4 delete "us" (less is more)
line 6 change envisioned to imagined......just an idea

As usual these are just alternatives. As I said earlier this is fine as is.............stan

Candlewitch

12 years 12 months ago

Dear Stan,

I posted all of your suggestions under the original. Thank you!

always, Cat

Ian.T

12 years 12 months ago

Cat

Smart, short to the point, then I noticed that you went onto Skype at the end.
Excellent was this on purpose lol ????,
Where you could see his smile's across the miles..
Yours Sparrow...
I have to go Yenti, and Ian.T have left the Dark room, and are heading this way lol