dysphoria

veils
cloyed, weighted
with a waxed nothingness of want
incite a niggling, ephemeral knowledge

so my heart lifts higher

not to reach joy
but to clog and silence

gag the very part of me
that could sing
.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many, so varied. I like particular songs, not necessarily the singer... and the same goes for poetry. I can honestly say though, that Alfred Noyes' The Highwayman was what inspired my love of poetry - my mother began reading it to me when I was still a baby, and it became my favourite bedtime story

Comments

weirdelf

12 years 11 months ago

oh, please lose those 'last few words'!

they really take away from the impact of the poem.

Poetry is fiction, as much as fantasy novels and journalism. You are allowed to make things up, then see if you get away with it.

I have severely criticised poets before for not "writing what they know about", but it was only because their fiction was not convincing. Someone once wrote a warning poem about drugs, referring to jumping off a balcony thinking you could fly on heroin. Gimme a fucking break!

Back to your poem.

This works beautifully by the choice of conflicting language. cloyed/incite, joy/clog/silence, gag/sing.

You see, without the 'last few words' disclaimer, I wouldn't be worried about you anyway, because the concepts of incite, niggling, knowledge, heart, lifts, higher, reach, joy, sing existing in the poem, exist in the mind and remain possibilities, even realities.

Fine free verse in my opinion.

judyanne

12 years 11 months ago

thank you jess

last words lost … your crit greatly appreciated
this and my write prior to this is a tentative dip into the dark side... i don't write about it much, nor love poetry... for i am amateur at both lifestyles :)...

as i said to someone - i'm trying a change from my usual mary poppins / pollyanna stuff

glad you feel i went ok here, would love to know if you think I didn’t try to dip too far with ‘for now’, if you can find the time to take a look?…

love judy
xxx