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Eclipse

Is it only me
or do you quetch the same!
On my lips the smiles fade and
I am not sure who's to blame

Once I got my mirror,
alone I practised smiling
again and again
but
she tauntingly
repaid me a shabby smile

Have I turned out insane?

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and , Poets are humanity when the world lose it.

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Comments

weirdelf

weirdelf

12 years 11 months ago

Yes, you have turned out insane

By asking that question, which was proved by the previous line.

On my lips fade the smiles 'n [truly, avoid these abbreviations]

The self doubt is understandable, but you must affirm your own reality and value, not let someone else undermine it.

I know you would not use use it, but my last line would have been "fuck you".

The poetry is well written, but the message its self-deprecating.

Rula

Rula

12 years 11 months ago

Jess thank you as you think so [grins]

I don't think that it harms if we sometimes reflect real human feelings though sometimes pethetic or sad
What counts for me is true reflections,don't you agree?
I shall avoid the contractions
Thanks for your valuable comment

judyanne

judyanne

12 years 11 months ago

dear rula

‘On my lips fade the smiles 'n’ … as jess says – you really need to avoid the abbreviations
also the reverse syntax
I suggest ‘On my lips the smiles fade and’

also
‘she tauntingly
repaid me a shabby smile’
you have used the word smile twice already and it is a very small write
can I suggest
‘grimace’ or ‘sneer’ or ‘smirk’ ??

and the last line ??? seems to me you are still trying for rhymes that don’t quite work (within the text of the write, that is)
what is your reasoning for thinking you are insane simply because you cannot smile?

I don’t know what to suggest that won’t spoil perhaps what you are saying
but maybe something like
‘I threw the reflection away’ ??

love judy
xxx

Rula

Rula

12 years 11 months ago

i shall look into your suggestions

Dear Judy

I didn't mean I am insane because I can't smile but because I've been practicing smiling in front of
the mirror though alone. It is what I heard once from someone as I presented how to practise smiling in front of the mirror when you you don't have a reason to so. May be I've not expressed the message well but that is at least within my intentions..

Thanks for the suggestions,I'll think of them indeed

Ian.T

Ian.T

12 years 11 months ago

Rula

The word quetch caught me out, but me thinks the context is slightly out:-
quetch - express complaints, discontent, displeasure, or unhappiness;

Is it only me
or do you quetch the same!
I just wonder, though a brilliant word to find that it may be out of rythme with the rest of your write in that its simplicity is hardened by such a word..
Love the theme, I am always talking about standing in front of a perfect mirror, to see what I am really like, maybe we can see that image but dis believe what it tells us. Yours as always Ian.T

Rula

Rula

12 years 11 months ago

i see no one else complained about quetch dear Ian

I admit it is a new word for me and your guess is right that I wanted to harden the simple theme
I am not sure if it works well and always like to hear from the natives...I'm still a learner and always shall be.
Thanks for coming to read some of my silly thoughts

Ian.T

Ian.T

12 years 11 months ago

Rula

Your thoughts are not silly they are quite pure in many respects and hold your individuality as a beacon..

I queried the word only because I thought that the meaning was a little off what you were saying, so now I doubt my critique lol.
I put the meaning in there, and it is an adjective, not sure if it should be???
Maybe we should consult the Oracle or one of the more read poets ??

You carry on being a beacon with your style and words they bring a subtle beauty to the site, Yours Ian.T

Ian.T

Ian.T

12 years 11 months ago

Rula

That's me just look the word up on www and accept the first thing I see..

Definitions of quetch:
verb: express complaints, discontent, displeasure, or unhappiness..
See now I am OK and we can keep the word lol.
Take care little lady, and thanks for the information, I have put on my notepad, Yours Ian.T

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

12 years 11 months ago

Dear Rula,

I like the title. This piece flows well. But I couldn't find the word "quetch" in my dictionary. What is its meaning, if I may ask? Btw, I often get sass from my reflection, lol! I enjoyed this poem.

always, Cat

Nordic cloud

Nordic cloud

12 years 10 months ago

I like the simplicity,

I like the simplicity, directness of this little thought,
and like others was met by a new word.

I sense you could do something more with this theme
and give it slightly more story, as Jess wanted.
Perhaps a little more of the eclipse mentioned
in the title.

I agree with judyanne about changing the last smile.

Ann.