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Geremia
By Geremia, 20 September, 2012

MOVING TARGET: VERSION 2

My mind races
at the speed of light
my body can’t keep up
and I’m left behind.

I push the day
thrtough a heavy
mist of grey
in Pain’s loneliness.

movements fast or slow
I hide in continual motion
dancing around myself
before the terror electric white
strikes
and tells me the things
I don’t want to know.

VERSION 1

MOVING TARGET

My mind races
at the speed of light
my body can’t keep up.
I’m left behind.

I push the day
in a heavy mist of grey
of Pain’s slow.

I do and I go
I run
but the terror
like sudden electricity
electric white
kills as it strikes..

Ian.T

Ian.T

12 years 9 months ago

Joe

I always have said and still do :- to change one word of a poem is to write a new one they should always be individual and separate, Yours Ian.T

S

scribbler

12 years 9 months ago

hi

Depends on how one defines rewrite......damn I'm turning into Bill Clinton lmao. Sometimes a rewrite can be so extensive as to create a new poem but often they just add clarity as you did with this one. So I guess my answer is about as clear as mud................stan

Geremia

Geremia

12 years 9 months ago

I tend to feel as Beau does.

I tend to feel as Beau does. And if you do make chsnges, it generally means you were not happy with the original. VERSION 2 says a lt more.

Thanks, folks

joe

weirdelf

weirdelf

12 years 9 months ago

Remember the baby and the bathwater.

I have only seen your poems improve with revision, whether a result of feedback or your own considerations.

I don't like either version because they are still part of the negative death trip you indulge in so often.

weirdelf

weirdelf

12 years 9 months ago

Survival in life

My readings and understanding seem to be getting shallower. I am probably as sick of apologising as others are of hearing my apologies. I struggle, I try, I fail, sometimes I succeed, but I won't give up.

Geremia

Geremia

12 years 9 months ago

Becaus you are a survivor.

Becaus you are a survivor. And why apologize for your critiques. They are as valid as anyone else's perceptions. And you gife us your time to read, re-read an danalyse.

jor

Geremia

Geremia

12 years 9 months ago

•"Listen carefully to first

•"Listen carefully to first criticisms of your work. Note carefully just what it is about your work that the critics don't like - then cultivate it. That's the part of your work that's individual and worth keeping", Jean Cocteau