Rula

Sep 24, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Out of My Zone

How dare you break my heart so hard and go!
You've tugged my eyes with tears of pain, and woe.
My lips have almost dried, no joys to wet.
No music, only tears and much regret.

I thought that love is more than words-it's deeds.
The golden touch to satisfy our needs.
intriguing will to ease what troubles, mess,
to work together, help, ingrain and bless.

But yours becomes a blade to cut my heart.
a grief where shedding tears becomes the art.
Your love becomes just words to tease, not please,
so let me elsewhere-where, true love shan't cease.

You're now a ghastly thought that casts no spark.
A thought, I doubt shall light my days when dark.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and , Poets are humanity when the world lose it.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

scribbler

12 years 10 months ago

Hi Rula

One of these days I'll get to where I can write a sonnet this well. Only Then would I feel qualified to give suggestions. Well done...............stan

Rula

12 years 9 months ago

I am happy to hear that you like it and still looking forward for any suggestions.
Jess promised the other day to make a work shop about building a true sonnet so I am waiting impatiently to see that work shop coming soon.
Thanks for your nice words . .

Nordic cloud

12 years 9 months ago

I enjoyed reading this

This poem flowed off the tongue,
read in the mind like music,
beautifully written Rula

In a way the a in appease could be there
and the and dropped perhaps? That was
the only bit that caught my attention on the
second read.

I enjoyed reading this. L Ann.

Rula

12 years 9 months ago

Thanks Anna

Happy to see you on board. Thanks for reading
and leaving such a nice comment. It really means a lot.

I still think the 'a' in appease would make and extra syllable , that's why.
But I do really appreciate it .

Nordic cloud

12 years 9 months ago

Not rhythm-wise

If you dropped the AND after the appease?

Thank you Rula, I will do my best, not living in here,
must get on with some things I am doing too!

Nice to hear from you, L Ann.

weirdelf

12 years 9 months ago

Remember our discussion of "decoration?

Writing a poem in italics serves no good purpose. It is distracting and hard to read.

This poem is self-pitying, sentimentalised and way less than your best work.

Yet I do feel your pain.

Rula

12 years 9 months ago

Jess

I really thought this is one of my best- at least on the level of the sonnets. remember what you read lately was your preference (freeform) May be that's why . If this is not the reason what makes you think so and do you have any suggestions to improve?

Italics removed.
Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment So happy to see you back.

weirdelf

12 years 9 months ago

It's just a love poem,

and presents no remarkable, memorable ideas.

Well written and effective, but not up to the standards required.

Take my comment with a few grains of salt. I hate love poems, they almost never have anything new to offer.

Rula

12 years 9 months ago

May be because

it is all fiction :) But what I care for is the form of the sonnet it self. It is still a challenging form and the stressed /unstressed is still a big problem for me as it is not the case in my mother tongue . I am looking forward to having the work-shop you promised to put us on.

weirdelf

12 years 9 months ago

look to Judy for an upcoming workshop

on strict poetic forms. It will include sonnets.

Rula

12 years 9 months ago

Can't wait to start

Thanks for both of you for your continuous efforts.

judyanne

12 years 9 months ago

dearest rula

firstly – just a couple of problems with form

‘An 'ntriguing will to ease what troubles, mess
to work together, help, 'ppease and impress’
- shorteming words like this doesn’t really work (imo) in today’s age… I don’t think you would’ve found this type of shortening in older days either – but I may be wrong
- but it does give the impression (to me) when reading it that you were having trouble with the iambic

anyway, the second line’s iambic is out the way you have it
to WORK toGETHer, HELP, ‘PPEASE and imPRESS’

I would suggest
‘‘intriguing will to ease what troubles, mess
to work together, help, appease, impress’

and
‘so let | me else | where, true | love shan’t | cease’ – an iamb short
‘so let me elsewhere-where, true love shall not cease’ ?

a great attempt at a sonnet, and well done also with the volta
but lacking something rula – I’m not sure what… maybe it is not ‘new’ enough.

great rhyme
love judy
xxx

Rula

12 years 9 months ago

Thank you dearest Judy

I admit that the shortening most of the times comes as a result of lacking the right word with the right syllable count.

I like how you've solved the first problem but as for the second line with one syllable short I think I am doing it already the way you've suggested but thanks anyway.

Happy I succeeded with the volta this time . It is a big achievement for me .

Thanks for giving the time and the effort. Always highly appreciated.

judyanne

12 years 9 months ago

yes, sorry rula

'so let me elsewhere-where, true love shan't cease' - lol i missed the double up on the word 'where'
xxx

Rula

12 years 9 months ago

kelsey

Thanks for your views. Very helpful indeed. I am working on another sonnet , hope it has the imagry that the reader wishes to see. I'll also look into those poems you mentioned.

Really appreciated.
Many thanks

wesley snow

12 years 9 months ago

Hello dear.

You've more than enough suggestions from good corners to need me this time, so I will simply enjoy the poem. You are a very different poet than you were as little as a year ago. The problems you are struggling with would have left old Rula scratching her head unable to go on. I mentioned a little bit ago that your language skills have taken a quantum leap and this is simply another example. What was so hard for you previously is now simple and you are delving into content instead of fighting with the form.
I am very proud of you Rula.
wesley

Rula

12 years 9 months ago

Hello sir!

You're absolutely right. Great reviews from everyone here. A great group of friends with great suggestions always.
As I said earlier and always it is some of a lot you've taught. What ever I say , I will be always short with words.

Thanks for your supportive words.You make me feel proud as well.