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Sep 27, 2012
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Tough & Hard Enough! (Mindful Memorable) #7
If in written words
I wanted to tell
how much I owe you
I'd need some more forests
with more trees
I'd need more tears to flood
(the ink of the eyne)
to evince my real gratitude
for a heart I thought is mine.
Hence I'll quit the clichéd words
and quietly decline
leaving a blank piece of paper
with a naked simple sign
Rula.Y.H.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
weirdelf
12 years 9 months ago
A very good poem,
but you tell me, what makes it mindful and memorable?
"eyne"? it is an archaic word for the plural of eye, which doesn't seem to fit. Or is it a typo?
Rula
12 years 9 months ago
Perhaps
you can tell me what makes it not,
if it is not which I think depends on how you read it and see it (opinion)...etc.
For me many things make it memorable and mindful.
*eyne = could be archaic, not sure.I've been lately told by a friend that it is classified
with other words like ox (pl. oxen) and child (pl.children).
Rula
12 years 9 months ago
or was your question
a polite way to tell me that it is not mindful nor memorable?
Sorry if I misunderstood.
weirdelf
12 years 9 months ago
My question was based on my own insecurity
about my opinions lately. I thought the content was mindful and memorable but the overall effect failed to move me. I don't know if that is my problem or the poem's.
I want to know what effect you intended to have on your reader.
Rula
12 years 9 months ago
I wanted to leave the impression
as exactly stated in the title Hard and tough enough to express to someone how much I owe him for anything and everything he gives/gave.
so does it leave any of this intents on you as a reader?
weirdelf
12 years 9 months ago
I'm afraid not
well, yes, in a way, but it feels like a personal love poem to me, not something that would deeply impact many readers.
Sorry I'm being so wishy-washy. I normally know and state clearly what I feel about a poem, just personally in a confused place at the moment.
Rula
12 years 9 months ago
May be you are right
maybe it is how you see it. Don't we always owe the people that we love-regardless if
it is personal or not.
Ian.T
12 years 9 months ago
Rula
This definition of Memorable, well it has become too fuzzy.
We should write something that is probably not more than four lines, this would be for the readers eyne. Where the thought generated would last the readers life time.
Then for our own experience we can write as little or as much as we like it is for us only as a memory, I found this task near impossible and one that needs definition.
I defy anyone to write a piece that will be remembered by Neopoet's for longer than a few days..
Loved your piece as an individual poem though, Yours Ian.T
PS:- I think that this task should be left now or split into two parts, one for
ME the other for ALL
Rula
12 years 9 months ago
Well ! thanks Ian
for your comment. Happy you like it.
Regarding memorable and mindful, I think it is not fuzzy as much as it is wide in its definition and can be defined differently depending on the reader(imo)
As for me, when I say something is memorable, it is because it touched me in one way or another. It is presented in a new dress maybe with nice imagery and use of different range , or using different tools like metaphor, assonance , internal rhyme ...etc.
Now what touch me might not touch you or anyone else but I believe it doesn't mean it is not memorable in one way or another, and so on.
As for mindful , it is where you give the reader something to ponder and think . And again this is how I understand it.
judyanne
12 years 9 months ago
i realise you have done it for the rhyme
but 'with more trees to do' - i would lose the 'to do'.
i really don't think it affects the rhyme that much, and it really is better grammar
i really like this write rula - especially the last verse
love judy
xxx
Rula
12 years 9 months ago
done dear judy
thanks for passing by .Always appreciated .