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ÇAÇÔ, Man of the Morning Star P. 2, Canto One
Canto One
Upon the fringe of raw domain,
the suns rise as an Angel Host
ascends beyond the level plane.
Their advent from the nethermost
illuminates the flat and vacant World. 5
A multitude, they are the mind
of Joss and thence the all they shape
was hitherto but Joss defined.
In concert thus, this virgin scape
could nothing be but His caprice unfurled. 10
Yet as Samwiel, some had assumed
expressive eccentricity.
The strongest of The Host subsumed
the fragmented ancillary
incorporating unto self new traits. 15
Thus, Here and Now the tale’s begun.
Each spirit let to weave as can
to make that which is not yet spun
and in the cast disturb His plan.
Foundations men have come to name The Fates. 20
And all The World was barren slate,
for though it vanished when ‘twas filled
by sum and substance inchoate,
yet Nothing lay before them stilled
as was its nature prior to its end. 25
In form and glory like unto
his maker, Lord Samwiel began.
They shaped Above and gave it hue.
Below was carved of Dark and span
an equal realm at first and as unkenned. 30
Although Samwiel was now their King,
he yet insisted no restraint
would come of him to pace their Spring.
He let each spirit free acquaint
themselves with aught and turn to genesis. 35
Their making was of varied ways
as numberless as they themselves.
They shaped the stuff of countless clays
and with resourcefulness each delves
to press the bound’ries of inventiveness. 40
The plane of Earth was Salt and Rock.
They raised it high, then struck it low.
Some traced the canyons to unlock
the hidden vaults of later woe,
while others sought to raise the stones on high. 45
Then one among them with a thought
brought forth the waters deep and wide.
Within their depths he swiftly wrought
a Kingdom vast and took to hide.
The Angels named the spirit Malachi. 50
And over all the land he poured
the waters seeming near as vast
as all the sky to reap discord,
until Samwiel himself at last
let open every vault beneath the Earth. 55
Thus deep and deeper did the realm
of Malachi consolidate
until it might chance overwhelm
a greater part and feed the hate
of Lord Samwiel that he must try its worth. 60
But yet again Samwiel would wait
and let that Angel’s realm to grow.
His confidence had waxed so great
he felt that naught his plans could slow.
Vicissitude was his alone to use. 65
Then Malachi withdrew from them
and with him took likeminded souls.
From isolated wights would stem
the Nymphs who chose abiding roles
to safeguard Rivers that none dare abuse. 70
In all this Mic~lak~lor alone
was absent biding high aloft,
for in the Ether he had flown
and buffeted by winds so soft
conceived a change in self nigh Heavenly. 75
Upon his body, now adorned,
stretched wings of white that caught the wind.
Exultant as in guilt suborned
he claims the Airs he’ll not rescind,
the second born of Joss flies far and Free. 80
A summons of Samwiel it took
to bring him Earthward renitent.
The Host did marvel as he shook
and folded wings to prove intent,
for Mic~lak~lor’s leal heart did ever yield. 85
But though he often seemed vernile
in service to the Star of Dawn,
when Lord Samwiel’s base crimes compile
it will be him, his Will and brawn,
who tries to set aright and power wield. 90
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Following "The Ana", this is where I go. Part Two will be written concurrently with the present day story of Gundhag the witch, the babe who is The Man, his mother (who walks the Earth as a spirit) and others in their attempt to find Gundhag's people (thought dead, but revealed otherwise). As the two stories progress, I hope to find each of them in the same locations many tens of thousands of years apart and draw similarities and conclusions from these comparisons. Wish me luck. Please, for god's sake, help. wesley
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
12 years 8 months ago
Seduced by
its shortness ((((SMILES)))) , I read thoroughly and Surprise, surprise I don't exagerate if I say I really enjoyed especially after line 40 where lord Samwiel started to feed hatred.
I found some ambiguity and twists but of special taste here .Thought it is for a lordy purpose maybe?
A multitude, they are the mind
of Joss and thence the all they shape
was hitherto but Joss defined.
In concert thus, this virgin scape
could nothing be but His caprice unfurled
My favorite lines:
Thus, Here and Now the tale’s begun.
Each spirit let to weave as can
to make that which is not yet spun
and in the cast disturb the plan.
Foundations men have come to name The Fates
back to "The Ana" part 2
wesley snow
12 years 8 months ago
Don't get used to the shortness.
I'm back to this as soon as I post the revisions for the Ana (moments from now). I like the stanza too. The idea that everything is preordained, but...
wesley
wesley snow
12 years 8 months ago
and in the cast disturb the plan.
I need opinions.
Should I capitalize "The Plan" or simply make it "His plan"?
wesley
Rula
12 years 8 months ago
I think
When you say 'His plan' this would make a clearer referece to who is dominating while if you capitalize' The Plan', this gives a more focus to the plan itself, does this make sense?
Rula
12 years 8 months ago
I came back to this after I've finished the Ana
I really enjoyed this part. As you said the language here is becoming less complicated and
at the same time I started to look up less words as am getting familier with most of them(((hopefully))))
Thus deep and deeper did the realm
of Malachi consolidate
until at last it overwhelm
the greater part and fed the hate
of Lord Samwiel that he must try its worth.
I think Samwiel's true traits are going to show now the way we all knew, just predicting.Am I on the right track?
wesley snow
12 years 8 months ago
Then I will go with His plan.
And of course Samwiel will be true to form. According to all Western religions that know this character, he was at the beginning the most beautiful and beloved of God. How he finally came to his Fall can be argued a hundred different ways. Mine will be based loosely on all and none of them, but Fall he shall. Have you read Canto Twenty Five? It is from Part One, but a historical throwback to the tale unfolding at that point. It is the trial of The Clovis and features many of these characters. Have a look only if you have the time.
wesley
docmaverick
12 years 8 months ago
Too little....
...too late, am I....but, I think "his plan" makes much more sense. Whenever I go in to revise any poem...I always check the previous versions wording just to remind myself where l was coming from, or maybe to put myself back on track, as far as rhyme scheme, or even story line.
I simply check the revisions button. At any rate, I thought that's how we were to do it; I've been revising my poem, abundantly!
Let me know if l'm in trouble.....and don't tell my Mom!
doc.
judyanne
12 years 8 months ago
you don't need to be told that this is a great write wes
but there are just a couple of things i'd like to mention
for me the scansion falls at
‘could nothing be but His caprice unfurled’
and also at
‘as was its nature prior to its end’
also
‘until at last it overwhelm’ – the tense seems out to me here – can you use ‘overwhelmed’?
I really like the rhyme scheme and meter use – especially the lengthening of the last lines of each stanza
and the tale is intriguing – is this going to be the story of Malachi or Samwiel?
love judy
xxx
wesley snow
12 years 8 months ago
It is the story of the early days of the world...
... and will carry on to the crime of The Clovis a mere 2500 years before the main story in Part One.
‘as was its nature prior to its end’... you won't see me changing that because I just love the stanza. I mean... "Nothing" sitting there waiting only to be destroyed because they brought "Something". I'm sorry. I love it.
‘until at last it overwhelm’ ... now this sucks. I've been trying to rehash it, but haven't worked it out yet. It doesn't gel, I know. That's why we're here though.
wesley
William Saint George
12 years 8 months ago
Mr. Snow.
Reading this, it's amazing that I came to that same conclusion about Samwiel. It means I understood the Ana without knowing I did. What got me thinking along those lines was the "Morning Light" reference. I say mixing the familiar with the original is brilliant. :)
What still baffles me is why you are looking for help with this. I'm sure you don't need much assistance with the poetry; you have enough control over it. And you're a self-confessed good storyteller. I'm trying to find what you're having difficulty in.
wesley snow
12 years 8 months ago
Just you wait William.
I had a conversation with Lonnie about those of us who can produce masterworks in a first draft and those (like me) who require endless revision. As I go on, problems arise. I know from past experience that I can solve them, but with help the process becomes faster which, when considering the size of what I intend, is a critical consideration.
wesley
judyanne
12 years 8 months ago
hi wes
good revisions
but can i say i do prefer 'would come of him unwavering.'
lol - just me though, you know what you are wanting to convey...
love judy
xxx
wesley snow
12 years 8 months ago
For real Judy?
It made me nuts.
Okay, I'll look into it.
wesley