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This poem is part of the workshop:

Can you make a limerick serious?

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Lonely tear (serious limericks)

I dare you to feel the hurt that is mine
You catch me crying some of the time
For my true love I grieve
Move away from me, "Leave."
Just remember for whom, I write this rhyme.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Not sure if this swings as a limerick should, they always seem to be happy things or just funny, now what???

Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Leicestershire, Ex Moonraker, GBR

Favorite Poets: All those I meet or read about in my books, , then some others show me, bless them.., I.T.Howard © 2014

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Comments

Ian.T

Ian.T

10 years 10 months ago

Gems

The correct form for a limerick is supposed to be:-
The typical rhythm of a limerick is like this:

bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH
bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH
bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH
bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH
bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH
.
But I have used Poetic Licence here lol, thanks very much.
I will try to perfect the form as and when time permits,
I am so glad that you are here to critique, you are bringing a great deal to Neopoet, well done young Lady,
Yours Ian.

lovedly

lovedly

10 years 10 months ago

whose idea was it

to make people start a day
with lamentation
instead of a positive commendation
sadness is all around
where have gone all minds
which were once sound

by the way not a limy
just a story tiny
ok shiny

Rula

Rula

10 years 10 months ago

Touching

yet some lines are still longer than they should, especially lines three and four. That's what differentiate lemericks from any other short form.
Still, I like it Ian

R

raj

10 years 10 months ago

Ian

When read aloud, I notice that up to line 3 it is easy on the tongue, whereas line 4 & 5 affect the rhythm.

Regards,

Ian.T

Ian.T

10 years 10 months ago

raj

Lines 3 and 4 have to be short and it then becomes awkward to maintain the rhythm that the first three lines can give in their length.
I shall have another look at this one when time permits.
Thanks for your visit,
Yours Ian.
.
PS:- Digit has been to the "Liberty Bell" but I haven't seen his diary entry for that night, he is being his usual bolshie self..