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Nov 04, 2014
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Lonely tear (serious limericks)
I dare you to feel the hurt that is mine
You catch me crying some of the time
For my true love I grieve
Move away from me, "Leave."
Just remember for whom, I write this rhyme.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Not sure if this swings as a limerick should, they always seem to be happy things or just funny, now what???
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Ian.T
10 years 10 months ago
Gems
The correct form for a limerick is supposed to be:-
The typical rhythm of a limerick is like this:
bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH
bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH
bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH
bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH
bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH bah-bah-BAH
.
But I have used Poetic Licence here lol, thanks very much.
I will try to perfect the form as and when time permits,
I am so glad that you are here to critique, you are bringing a great deal to Neopoet, well done young Lady,
Yours Ian.
lovedly
10 years 10 months ago
whose idea was it
to make people start a day
with lamentation
instead of a positive commendation
sadness is all around
where have gone all minds
which were once sound
by the way not a limy
just a story tiny
ok shiny
Rula
10 years 10 months ago
Touching
yet some lines are still longer than they should, especially lines three and four. That's what differentiate lemericks from any other short form.
Still, I like it Ian
raj
10 years 10 months ago
Ian
When read aloud, I notice that up to line 3 it is easy on the tongue, whereas line 4 & 5 affect the rhythm.
Regards,
Ian.T
10 years 10 months ago
raj
Lines 3 and 4 have to be short and it then becomes awkward to maintain the rhythm that the first three lines can give in their length.
I shall have another look at this one when time permits.
Thanks for your visit,
Yours Ian.
.
PS:- Digit has been to the "Liberty Bell" but I haven't seen his diary entry for that night, he is being his usual bolshie self..