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A
Alobar
Mar 18, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

The Razor-sharp Sword of Love

I thought once

that the sword had crashed down

splitting my head in two

like a ripe melon

 

And I suppose it had

 

But now

bandaged and healed

what remains but the scar,

the scar of love?

 

What disillusionment;

when Heaven reached is only just another step

another step in the staircase of life

and time.

— Alobar, Mar 18, 2008

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Country/Region: CAN

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Critiques

RSScheerer

RSScheerer

18 years 2 months ago

Razor-sharp Sword

Not so much corny as ... missing something, maybe? There is a lack of cohesion with this piece. I think it is most notable in the jump to that last stanza. Wish I could explain it better, but I can't put my finger on it. ~ Ronda
A

Alobar

18 years 2 months ago

I’m on the cusp with this

I'm on the cusp with this one--is it worth it to put more effort in, or should it be crumpled up into a ball and thrown in with my alter-ego, my avatar? I think I'm leaning towards the latter.
RSScheerer

RSScheerer

18 years 2 months ago

Your choice

I've found that if I leave a piece sit (sometimes for several years), it will eventually hold some promise for me as a rewrite. Only you can decide if it's worth saving - but you already know that. ~ Ronda

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