Fighting those words

see if this works better or within my own hollows within my own emptiness second stanza where is this going I would go ahead and state you feelings ( never no) not absorbing the pheromones ( now that is quite unique) I don't know that I've ever saw that used in this manner interesting and creative ( note the spelling of pheromones) I'd like to see you re work that second stanza and I will watch for the rewrite Chrys

I know what it's like to be more afraid of being loved than being rejected, and I think you have captured it well, here. Always, Cat

The closing lines took my breath away. This is a great little poem, full of emotion. But I agree with Chrys, I think there is a little more you could do with it to bring completely to life. How about I am running on empty, instead of but I'm in my own empty. I didnt quite get what you meant there. Its still a great write though. Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.

Just read this work and the comments as well. Personally, right of the bat, I thought the line "within my own empty" was wonderful. It got its point across but by being, shall we say odd with the language, you made the reader stop after reading that line, consider what it meant, the hole then defined in both time and space, the reader moves on to the rest, the meat of the poem. You do need to clean up a bit as you move through the poem--the pheromone reference is wonderful, but the verse doesn't quite flow right. It's a couplet, really, and the second line (the last two lines combine into one long line), I think, is just a tad too long. Interrupts rather than accentuates. I think this poem can go somewhere beyond where it is; it's meaning is clear, it's more the rhythm and flow that need work, fine-tuning. And for God's sake, keep that line, "within my own empty," it is inspired!

my two cents worth; I really like the first two stanzas, if it were me I wouldn't change a thing. I am a big fan of poetic license; and wouldn't touch the first line, sets up a sense of awarkdness, which fear is a kin to. If I had any suggestions it would to tighten up the second two stnazas; let them flow like the first two, feel diconjointed or forced. Frost

Guess I got out voted on that one good thing I only suggest wow but that is what we are here for isn't it Chrys

I like this poem and think the first line is great. I'm in favor and fond of word "misuse." I would prefer an ending with a rhyme but that may just be me. An appealingly honest poem about the difficulty of being honest.

good as is. Re: last stanza: maybe But I’m in my own empty, I feel but can't speak. I’m afraid you will laugh- afraid you’ll love me. But, after rereading the last stanza several times your version grew on me and the off-rhyme does set that key line apart. Dilemma, dilemma. Well, see what you think.

This is good,I agree with the use of empty as it portrays what you really want to say very well.Thank you.

(bad memory) but do like the last stanza better. On re-reading, I find the second line interesting. For someone "barely alive," there's a lot of emotion and internal struggle going on! I'm not suggesting you change this. I just think it's an interesting contradiction. Often, people in a highly emotional state can seem flat. It makes for a lot of misunderstanding. Anyway, this poem contains my favorites of your poetic style - unpretentious honesty and light flow. I wish I had more of this quality but I'll have to leave it to you and other poets here to express my latent voices.

Richard, another excellent write. I don't mind wondering why you "should hide" the feelings. You say later,"Unattainable is what you should be" So there's a secret going on here. You still wrote about it well. wcw

I do see the use of empty, and yes it does make you stop, but only to reflect on your further meaning. I thought it was great! I have one thing i will mention. This line: "I feel I’ve been drinking you intoxicate my thoughts," I don't know but it sounds like a run on sentence, like it needs a comma after drinking? Maybe it's just me. All in all it's a beautiful piece!! thanks, Eddie

Love the struggle between want and fearful doubt that you've capture here. And the struggle between the order of routine and the chaos of change. I feel myself wanting to split the first line of the third verse into two, but that's just me, I suspect. Excellent write once again, Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Hi, Moonman -- it's been discussed several times above but I have to post anyway and say 'WOW', I LOVE the line 'within my own empty...' I am having writer's envy!! GREAT line!! "If I had a prayer, it would be this: God, spare me from the desire for love, approval, or appreciation..." - Byron Katie