Sixth Haiku

Spring flowers emerge,

Rabbit fades to dirty brown--

Always there's lament.

— Alobar, Apr 29, 2008

About the Author

Country/Region: CAN

Critiques

Amaranthine

18 years 1 month ago

Haiku

I enjoy this poem. It doesn't follow the formula for haiku I was taught, but then again haiku has so many various interpretations and views concerning rules - I think what I had trouble with was the final line NOT being an observable natural thing - not something we can take a photo of exactly - we can interpret lament - yes, but you can't see it in a rabbit or in a tree - it is an emotion. So, while I like the idea of always having lament - I wonder if you could express it in a more observable way - something to make us ponder and feel the lament - by viewing your picture in the form of haiku...a dew drop falls from a petal onto a headstone or egg falls from nest, flood washes seedlings to the sewer - I'm not using syllable count - but you get the idea - something that shows the vicious cycle - if you feel it is vicious - of lament in the face of beauty - a wildflower climging the cemetery wall- kind of thing. Anway, I did like the poem and love the mixture of end and beginning of life overlapping one fades as another blooms. Sincerely, Amara

poewriter58

18 years 1 month ago

Alobar

you follow the 5/7/5 pattern and that is traditional as amara has stated there are many variations but I still prefer the traditional the subject is good Chrys

Janice Pearce

18 years 1 month ago

Haiku

Great haiku, agree with Amara about the last line just submitted my first haiku here, so feel free to kick my A--

asiajy

18 years 1 month ago

its hard to put nature in every line

at least it is for me. i didnt realize that a haiku needed an nature observation in all three lines. learn something new everyday. i liked the combination, even though it might not follow tradition.

Alobar

18 years 1 month ago

Thank you all for commenting

Thank you all for commenting on my Haiku. To be clear, I lump Senryu in with Haiku, under the same umbrella, and this one is sort of a merging of the two forms. I think the rules of Haiku are malleable, just by virtue of being in English and not Japanese. In our language the form is a pale shadow of the perfection that can be in the Japanese language. The Haiku, or my version of it, I write more as an exercise in word choice, and perhaps an opportunity to make people pause and think--when the poem is only seventeen syllables, the author must be getting at something, what is it? That sort of thing. This is my least favourite of the six I've posted here, still though I thought it worthy enough to post. (You should see the crap I've tossed--17 thousand syllables, at least!) And with all that being said, I must admit that yes, I was being lazy with the last line, perhaps I will revisit this piece some day, for now though, I think I will just let it stand, and stew..... Alobar (Just my two cents, spend them on gum if you wish.)

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