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M
MEL
May 19, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Deep Within

I dream of your arms wrapped around me tight
I can almost hear you breathing, near my face at night.
Your sweet voice whispering "I love you " in my ear
I long for the day that you'll be here.
In my mind you're everything  I see
in my life, you're the air I breathe.
In my reality, you're a thought away
a thought that crosses my mind,
every minute of every day!
I'd give anything to hold you close,
to touch your lips, and feel your skin
I'd breathe your love deep within,
and carry you in my soul forever.
— MEL, May 19, 2008

About the Author

Country/Region: USA - Florida

More from this author

Critiques

P

poewriter58

18 years ago

Mel

the subject of the poem is as old as time itself and many poems have been written on it as well therefore it is very difficult to write with using all the cliches that have been used before I'd like to see this written in more of your words and thoughts see how you can come up with a new approach Chrys
M

MEL

18 years ago

thanks

Mel Inwood This IS my words and thoughts...not sure how else to put it?
P

poewriter58

18 years ago

mel

I meant no offense by my comment I apologize if you felt that I did may I help you find the words or illustrate what I meant? Chrys
M

MEL

18 years ago

None Taken

Mel Inwood I'm comletely open to any suggestions as I am trying to get a book published, and need all the critisism I can get. So please do.... Thanks Mel
P

poewriter58

18 years ago

Mel

what if you were to drop the I can almost and I can feel such as I feel your arms holding me tight I can hear your soft breathing at night or I can hear you softly breathing near me at night perhaps your sultry voice whispers I love you in my ear every minute of every day to taste your lips and touch your skin maybe continue it a bit further To drink the essence of you in But only my imagination holds you with the words tapped out on my keyboard sent to you in dreams I never propose to re write anyones ones work for then it is no longer theirs but merely suggest you may of course use them if you would like I just wanted to illustrate what can be done to personalize your work more good luck on your publishing endeavors Chrys
Mark

Mark

18 years ago

Yea

Mel, I started reading and stopped after the first few lines. I have read them over and over in other places. This is not an insult, really it is just that we all can have the same ideas in regards to putting words to our lives. The real challenge comes with making those words unique especially when we write about loving another person. Loving things in our lives is not so difficult as those things usually are unique to each of us. I agree with both Chrys and Jess. I hope you stay with this and it becomes a mind blower ;) Mark
M

MEL

18 years ago

How is this looking?

Mel Inwood Deep Within I feel your arms holding me tight I hear your soft breathing at night your sultry voice whispers I love you in my ear My heart yearns for the day you’ll be here. Closing my eyes, you’re all I perceive, Words tapped out on my keyboard are sent to you in dreams. With every day that passes Recollections thrill me most Given the chance to hold you close Id taste your lips and touch your skin then drink the essence of you in. I still think it could use some tweaking as it doesn't FLOW...I must say, I'm not up with all the mechanics of poetry, so all this is new to me. I am however completely open to ALL help...so please be hard on me (I like it like that) hehehehe Tell me what youthink so far Thankyou so much MELxx
professor

professor

18 years ago

Mel

It is one of the hardest things for a poet to write a positive love poem and not run the risk of the more cynical saying "mushy yuck" and that what you have said has been said a hundred times before. We all struggle with this one. Your attempted revised version has indeed lost most of its flow and that destroys it for me and the first five lines are rather like standard love song lyrics. The skill is in weaving the feeling you clealy have into less obvious words of expression and images....not easy i know but i speak from experience that it is far easier to write great poetry about broken or unrequited love than it is about its positive side. Dont stop trying though, Keith
M

MEL

18 years ago

I think

Mel Inwood I am gonna just leave it, you can't rewrite the love you have felt for someone, and If I keep changing it it's going to lose it's meaning completely for me..Love poems are very personal and yes we have all felt the same thing but for me, it's personal. Thanks for all the help with this one xx Mel

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