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LD
leonard daranjo
Jul 04, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Monsoon Prayer


I

sky stops weeping
clouds genuflect to welcome
their highness the sun


II

august afternoon
an old tub in the courtyard
is home to a frog
— leonard daranjo, Jul 04, 2008
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Critiques

B

barbsdad2003

17 years 11 months ago

Unless my eye deceives ...

me, I count but four syllables in the first line of your number I above. Which I think is prob'ly inconsistent with the other lines presented. Was that your intention? If you alter to five sylls, perhaps a simple "the" or "my"---each choice, of course, creating a very different meaning/image from the other (prob'ly a "the" would be the better)---before "sky" would do the job. All in all, very meditative, peaceful. Nice work. Yours, Chuck PS: Notice my middle paragraph above is about as complicated as it could possibly be. As Martha Stewart might say, "which is not a good thing." "Clouds genuflect," etc., is elegant, simple, contextually apt, and downright brilliant.
LD

leonard daranjo

17 years 11 months ago

Thanks Chuck

Actually I have gone into quite a few haiku sites. They dont reccomend that you stick to the 5/7/5 pattern. It could be less but never more. Check out some of the haiku masters, you will see this. In fact even the tanka which is supposed to be 5/7/5/7/7 is never really adhered to. You will have five lines alright but some of the best tankas don's stick to the pattern. Again the number of syllables could be less but never more. Thanks again for your input and comment. Cheers ... Leonard

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