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L
Leon
Jul 24, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Come butterfly

My arms chat around her neck, our mouths touch lightly without a peck. Concepts of friendship need to broaden, spinning threads for a fresh season. At night talks bubble in the cocoon from deep within the newfound source. Early in the morning she slips into the moon before accusing looks cause remorse. Still, open the tender wings are prised our soft new love baptised.
— Leon, Jul 24, 2008
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Critiques

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Alobar

17 years 10 months ago

I’m thinking a second

I'm thinking a second couplet might work. Leaving the fourth line as is, perhaps something like Friendship morphs, what is the reason? spinning threads for a fresh season. I also think a comma is needed between love and baptized in the last line to force the reader to pause when reading the line, but that would be poet's choice. I liked this though, tracing the growth of friendship to love, and then naming it. Alobar (Just my two cents, spend them on gum if you wish.)
L

Leon

17 years 10 months ago

Thanks Alobar

Just saw a notification of your comment on my e-mail and thought that I would at least pop to say that I will be away for 2 weeks, so will only have a chance to consider your comments after that! Regards Leon

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