Paradise Hidden

                                               I am awakened from childlike slumber
                                                     to find through stormy windows
                                            that my paradise has disappeared again.
                                                           As the angered rains beat,
                                             the diamond path is cloaked from my sight,
   as a nested robin would hide its young.
    The thunder laughs and asks me...
   "Where now,friend,is your field of dreams?"
I reply only with silent smile
   As the clouds suddenly offer its mercy.
   And I brandish my golden glove
and introduce myself to the confident sun
   feeling replinished and sure
that nature has stopped the game it had played,
   so that I could begin my own
in my paradise....recovered.

— JWwildcat2012, Feb 27, 2009

About the Author

Region, Country: Brownsville,KY USA

Favorite Poets: D. H Lawrence and Robert Frost

Critiques

JWwildcat2012

17 years 3 months ago

I noticed the discrepancies you did........

And i hope you like the revised version of the poem.And I will keep in mind to really start my works with a good starting line.One thing,though:You said in your first comment that cute aint necessarily doing me justice..........I think I look rather handsome.(lol!) No,I love the feedback that you gave me,and i want you to continue doing it,now that you have been added to my friends list. Write me sometime! Your friend,in peace, Scott.

infinite_dwarf

17 years 3 months ago

James

Well, now your opening line is ok, but I tripped with the structuring of lines 1-3. I got the overall message, but it didn't have the nice even flow (or so I thought) that is normally present in your work. Maybe I should read it in a different rhythm... that might make the difference. ~Jess K. ---------------------------------------------------- -"Three things that take forever to get here: birthday, Christmas, and the pizza delivery boy." - Garfield the Cat

Nordic cloud

17 years 3 months ago

A little surrealistic

With golden gloves and diamond paths. I can see the painting, or the dramatisation of this piece being very interesting in its collage of ideas, it is dream-like as the Surrealist's were inspired to make their paintings, trying to illustrate what seems impossible to depict. They did it in their poetry too, a fascinating aspect of poetry's many facets and expressions. The never-ending puzzle is woven here in this little poem. Yours Ann of Norway

Rett

17 years 3 months ago

Scott, very nice

I agree with Ann somewhat and also with Jess K. and very much so with Double D. In poetry also, the title and first two lines of a poem are all important to capture the attention of the reader. The title and first two lines can make or break a poem for if the reader doesn't get grabbed, most just pass by it. All in all though, this is well done. Respectfully, Rett: "Next time you think you're perfect, walk on water." "A Democracy can withstand anything but Democrats." Robert A. Heinlein

JWwildcat2012

17 years 3 months ago

I am in total agreement with you,Rett.

Jess K.made the very keen point that I stumble with my rhythm in my work.When i compose a write,I think that comes about when I proofread it.I may feel that an additional line is needed,or that the poetic language of the write needs adjusting.As far as my titles,I think they are solid,but i will try to stay more on course with them when expressing their themes in future submissions.All of you are very knowledgeable and astute when critiquing my work,and i hope you continue to do so,because my most important reason for logging on here to write is to improve.I appreciate the comments,whether good or bad,very much. Your friend,in peace, Scott.

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