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B
barbsdad2003
May 29, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

then water falls




then
water
falls

the
planet tilts
and
holds as if
it
waits in
temporary
suspension
for
its photo
to be taken,
and ---

and then ---
and then water ---

and
    then
      water
            falls

---



water
falls

the
planet tilts
and
holds as if
it
waits in
temporary
suspension
for
its photo
to be taken,
and ---

and then ---
and then water ---

and
then
water
falls


— barbsdad2003, May 29, 2009

About the Author

Country/Region: USA

More from this author

Critiques

themoonman

themoonman

17 years ago

Chuck...

even after reading the title you should have seen my smile when reaching the ending line... fantabulous!!!! water falling... great image... Richard
ID

Ink Dragon

17 years ago

Chuck,

I enjoyed the picture of the tilting planet here. I see a possible variation for the last lines (as always, I am just suggesting and it's completely up to you what you make of it): and- and then- and then water- and then water falls I think this would be of more impact (verbally and visually). What do you think? Yours, ~Nina P.S. The frigging comment field does not allow for the layout I had in mind, it keeps shifting the last line to the left. Before posting the comment, the words looked like stairs, hope you will see that, but am pointing it out here just in case.
B

barbsdad2003

17 years ago

Interesting

At first I thought I'd prefer my original, but then, in a spirit of adventure, I suppose, I tried out your suggested add, looked at the preview, and went for it. So here now you have it, Nina, new and improved. And thanx, Chuck
B

barbsdad2003

17 years ago

Now have posted both ...

versions of last stanza. Curious now how others see it. I think my preference flows to the second version above. Thanx again, Chuck
themoonman

themoonman

17 years ago

You know what...

When I first read Nina's suggestion, I didn't agree, but after seeing it... it does work better... personally, I like the one with the incline at the end... sort of emulates water falling... Richard
Cloudthings

Cloudthings

17 years ago

nothing like the world & falling water, wonderful words dear man

Oh, how could I have missed this. Lovely Chuck, just lovely, thank you, I am a water baby at heart (clouds are just the flying version of water after all), nothing like the world & falling water, wonderful words dear man. xx~ Anni ~~~ "Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything." -Anon
ID

Ink Dragon

17 years ago

Chuck,

my pleasure. Looks great, I like that version even more than the first one! Yours, ~Nina
whitetea

whitetea

17 years ago

>

you laid out the words in a very tall column was that on purpose? if so i liked that. i don't think i've read anything that felt so immediately calm. i really liked this chuck.
weirdelf

weirdelf

17 years ago

Love the poem

and read it as all one before I read the comments. It adds an inrigung element like a series of falls in a creek. But better in opposite order cheers, Jess Forever unwrapping the eternal present.
Nordic cloud

Nordic cloud

17 years ago

And then and then a comment

Belatedly I fell for your waterfall of little black marks on the page they are transformed by sound and become and become a becoming poem. I too love the tilting earth, it is slowly doing just that as you know, did that give you the idea? Reminds me of being inspired by the oscillations of the earth when I wrote Oh Lake. Yours Ann of Norway
Pixee

Pixee

16 years 12 months ago

Great Write!

I loved the water fall. I could hear it fall as I read it. I was at the scene you painted in words. An awsome write and read!! Friends, Pixee
B

barbsdad2003

16 years 12 months ago

Thanx much ...

guys. Your comments, so warm, so supportive, move me. Encourage me to keep on keepin' on. If you know what I mean. And I think you do. With affection, Chuck
Candlewitch

Candlewitch

16 years 12 months ago

Dear Chuck

It is a beautiful, well constructed poem, no matter how you look at it. I know you probably didn't mean for the reader (me) to see glaciers melting into the sea, but that is what I thought of. Love, Cat
B

barbsdad2003

16 years 12 months ago

Thank you, Cat

I suspect most of its power derives from its lusty potential for metaphor. Or to be taken as such. For many reasons, could be, the planet tilts. She's become out of balance. Slightly unstable. On a/the brink. And of course the water falling's a warning. The canary near death. In so many words, it's past time we wake up. As humans, we seem to be stirring from our slumber, but as to waking up---really waking up---we've yet a long way to go. In my opinion, humble or otherwise. And though I admit I hadn't thought of a more literal train riding from it, you've nailed the best. I'm impressed. No surprise, that. Especially you being who you are. Thanx for the read, the comment, and planting within a recognition that by gosh I hadn't thought of. And I'll say again, I'm impressed. Hugs, Chuck
AT

Arthur Tugman

16 years 12 months ago

Then Water Falls

"the planet tilts and POSES as if it waits in temporary suspension for its photo to be taken" I would say.
B

barbsdad2003

16 years 12 months ago

Sorry ...

Don't like poses. But changed posts to holds. And that I do like. Chuck
G

Gerry

16 years 12 months ago

Important Message

An important message in a short write. Outstanding poem with a wonderful choice of image. The earth "holds" in temporary suspension waiting for us to get the message. Love this, Gerry
B

barbsdad2003

16 years 12 months ago

Thank you, Gerry

I must admit I'm a little annoyed by Tugman's suggested POSES. Such a poor fit it is with---and a distraction from---the message of the piece. Oh, well, drive-bys happen. Appreciate your read/comment. More than I can say. Thanx again, Chuck
weirdelf

weirdelf

16 years 12 months ago

I am really chuckling out loud here

I warned you all in the latest newsletter that if you mess with Chuck and languague you would probably come off worst. I thought I was good but have tried and failed. The man is a master. I am not right. I am just Jess, who stands up against all messiahs and lightning storms with a half brick in his hand
O

onemorning85

16 years 12 months ago

Hmm...

I like the fact that the poem is like water falling :) I find it very unique, you rarely see poems in this format. I have to admit I dunno if they are for me, but--the feeling I got from this of being in a peaceful rain forest retreat that few know about... that is for me. Nice.
B

barbsdad2003

16 years 12 months ago

It seems on occasions ...

too rare opportunity rises for structure matching so precisely message. This was one such. And of course an irony: implicit warning couples with peaceful mood ... Thanx, Chuck
Seren

Seren

16 years 12 months ago

Chuck ...

I had thought I'd already commented on this one as I have read it ... Dont know what happened but ... here is my comment belated , so sorry I have a picture of a waterfall that is probably one of my favourite piotures ... and when I read this piece you instantly put me right there , I could nearly smell the fresh water so cold coming off the mountain Congratulations on evolution my friend this is an awesome poem ... and Nina is a doll I liked what you both did ...Much love and respect Jayne x
infinite_dwarf

infinite_dwarf

16 years 12 months ago

Chuckles

What can I add to all of that up there ^^^?? Nice write, as usual. I found it to be pretty peaceful. ~Jess K. ----------------------- "Sprawling on the fringes of the city in geometric order an insulated border in between the bright lights and the far un-lit unknown" - Rush
Rett

Rett

16 years 12 months ago

Chuck, I love the image presented

And I have to say, I like the version Nina suggested. It makes it look as if the water is overflowing and will come to rest at a different place causing a second tilt. Wonderfully done and I have an ear to ear grin. In a way it reminded me of a series called The World of Tiers. The last book in the series was called The Lavalite World in which the planet acted like a Lavalite, constantly splitting and changing and recombining. Great Job Chuck. Respectfully, Rett: "God made an idiot for practice, then he made a school board." Mark Twain For the sake of children, read this. http://www.neopoet.com/node/19905
Janice Pearce

Janice Pearce

16 years 12 months ago

then water falls

Chuck,I liked the first version better, as if the water were falling. Great concept, great poem~ _____________________________________________________ Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list "Uncle Sam" as a dependent Anonymous

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