Courtship

From first glance
Beneath a blood soaked sky
He knew she was the one
Her scent drew him
Like a honeybee to nectar
Slowly he advanced

Every part of his body
Craved what he knew she had
Softly, on noiseless feet
He carries her away

Over his shoulder
To the bowels of his underworld
Quickly, passionately, he makes her his
Feeding off each other’s life force
They become one in the same

Her icy gaze
His frozen stare
Emcompassed by her flaming red hair

Forever connected
Forever entwined
Two undead souls
Destined to spend immortality
In each other’s arms

— hardcorechick28, Jul 08, 2009

Critiques

Candlewitch

16 years 11 months ago

What a Way to Go!

My favorite part: Forever connected Forever entwined Two undead souls Destined to spend immortality In each other’s arms I feel like there is something missing in the opening lines. Great job, though. Looking forward to reading more. Always, Cat

hardcorechick28

16 years 11 months ago

hi

Cat I will have to work on the opening a little bit...going to be a busy weekend but will definitely sit down and work it a little more. Thank you so much. Glad you like it

Geezer

16 years 11 months ago

Courtship

I like it very much, the opening lines are a little too gentle. How about; Beneath blood soaked sky He knew she was the one Her scent drew him Like meat to hungry beast then : Every part of his being Craved her sending scent Softly on padding feet --[beast like quality -yet still noiseless] He carries her away Over his shoulder To the bed of his underworld---[you are making love not sitting on toilet!] Passionately he makes her his---[no quickly, you want to savor the moment] Feeding from each other's life-force--[off from each other's] seems unwieldy. They become one...---[a little suspense or maybe the sense of holding back a little] Suggestions only, dear! Love the theme and premise! Make it better! [Am I your toughest critic?] If so, It's only because I know your potential. Suck it up! [Yes, play on words] ~ Gee.

hardcorechick28

16 years 11 months ago

yes you are my toughest critic.....

but i still love ya, Gee...LOL!!!! I always appreciate your suggestions. You know I am always looking to improve my writing. I enjoy all of our conversations and your good writing advice!!! I take everything that is said on here into consideration when i get a chance to make my revisions. Somedays it is easier to do so then others, you know how that is. Talk to ya soon.... Carrie

Candlewitch

16 years 11 months ago

I change

my vote to five stars, much better! Your avid fan... Always, Cat

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