the little god

There is a soft sad god who won’t shut up telling lies

The volume of the chatter rises and falls but does not stop

Yesterday was a long loud day

Everyday including today--only half of today was filled with the noise

Good thing I can kill a soft sad god

Kill it and eat it for breakfast

No

I will kill it quietly and eat it for my supper

Boneless little god will go down in one bite

After cleaning my teeth I’ll spit in my sink

Tomorrow by breakfast--the blessed battering echo will be silent

— Yvonne D, Jul 10, 2009

Critiques

themoonman

16 years 11 months ago

Yvonne...

Welcome to the site... this poem, interesting to me but it leaves the reader out as far as your intent... the little god, I wonder what it is that can be eaten and quieted down. the first line seemed long to me... who won't shut up telling lies, maybe... who won't stop telling lies... but does not stop... I felt that would be stronger if you gave it its own line everyday including today-only half of today was filled with the noise. what you are saying is delivered, but could be said much better in two or three lines, giving pause to the reader where needed... and maybe add a "but" before "only" as far as the obscure meaning, and it may be that I just am not getting it, that isn't always a bad thing in poetry... in fact, it leaves the reader wondering, imagining... and that is a good thing. my look into your poem was only mine, and my suggestions are only that, suggestions... welcome again Richard

Yvonne D

16 years 11 months ago

Cheers!

I was hoping to start getting some comments. Yours is greatly appreciated...Y

meic

16 years 11 months ago

I won’t even try to guess

I won't even try to guess the identity of the sad liar god ... I shall simply admire the skill with which you've built up a sense of distress, formulated your solution and finally carried it out. Mike "not all matterings of mind equal one violet" ~ e e cummings ~

Yvonne D

16 years 10 months ago

Yes, it was a sense of

Yes, it was a sense of distress. About halfway through the day I became aware of the problem (a glaring misconception from within and without) and realized I had the authority to clear it up. Vague because it is a close relationship issue. Thank you for the encouragement. yvonne

meic

16 years 10 months ago

With pleasure, Yvonne, a

With pleasure, Yvonne, a courageous poem - including courage - is easy to praise. Mike "not all matterings of mind equal one violet" ~ e e cummings ~

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