Why Oh Why

WHY! OH WHY! Does my heart hurt so badWhy do I feel so sadHappy days they come and goToday I feel so lowA lump in my throatI can not seem to stay afloatThis burning aching feelingSeeps into my soul.Tears I cry, just won’t dryWhy! oh Why!Pain I can not explainSpreading through my veinsAll the words I hear todaySeem meaningless as they fade awayI know the things I need to knowBut today I just can’t seem to let it goIs this normal or am I insaneWhy! oh Why!
Can’t I stop the pain!

Written by Daisy Sapia

— Dazzling Daisy, Oct 28, 2009

Critiques

Pamela A. Lamppa

16 years 7 months ago

"Always Write."

My answer to that last question is: "Always Write." The more you do the better you get. It is a beautiful way to express emotion, offer consolation, or just plain provide inner peace. Never NOT write. *smile* You have expressed emotion well in your poem. Your message is quite clear and sometimes we cannot explain why we have such a physical response to an emotional situation. It simply is. With that said, you may wish to "show" this reaction rather than "tell" your reader. I doubt there is anyone on the planet who has not, at one time or another, felt this kind of grief. What I mean by show is something like: A lump in my throat I can not seem to stay afloat This burning aching feeling Seeps into my soul. Could be said this way. This tightening of my throat threatens my will to stay afloat burns hard aches deep within; seeps where time cannot begin to ease the pain of dusty notes ... etc. OF COURSE - that needs a lot of editing - but just an idea. I think your subject matter is one that will touch every reader, but it is a common theme. Common does not mean don't say it, it simply means say it better than anyone else has. You can do that with thought and words. Give it a whirl. You are already 99% there just by putting it on paper. I would love to see where you go with this if you choose to edit some. Thank you for sharing your talent. ~Pamela

Dazzling Daisy

16 years 7 months ago

Thank you

Dear Pamela Thank you for your response and your honest comments, it is much appreciated. I have ideas especially at night or when I am alone and then I suffer from fear, fear to put my words on paper. I like your suggestions and would like to edit my poem along those lines. I would appreciate your guidance in this regard. Thank you.

Poetree

16 years 7 months ago

Hey

I really like this poem, It is very similar to one of mine, atleast the feelings are all the same. Great, I can really relate to this. Thank you!

Dazzling Daisy

16 years 7 months ago

Thank you

I was very scared of the comments I was going to receive but so far so good. I have a lot to learn about putting my feelings into words. I will take Pamela's advise and look at editing the poem to make it deeper. Thank your for your comment. Regards Daisy

Seren

16 years 7 months ago

Dear Daisy

First off welcome to Neopoet ... I really liked this and yes you should keep on writing you never know where those words will take you ... kind regards Jayne

Dazzling Daisy

16 years 7 months ago

Thank you

Thank you for your comment. It is much appreciated. Regards Daisy

jabuu

16 years 7 months ago

Dear Daisy

Good flow of emotions explicitly expressed in poetry. i like the simplicity of your diction. love

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