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L

Silens Vox Vocis (Silent voice)

The tip-toed silence that states you were here
Lingering just long enough for a thought
An absence that hints at a presence of care
The unspoken word that says, "maybe not"

A fraughtful tension, a wondering why
You should look but then close your mind
The mark now left would but identify
You were here but nothing did find

Then time moves on and all falls still
Except those voices that call from our past
Once who were friends, now as strangers would fill
The voided shadows their absence did cast

— Liamb, Nov 05, 2009

Critiques

Kailashana

Kailashana

16 years 7 months ago

Hi, young sir.First two

Hi, young sir. First two paragraphs are good. imo, the last one needs a bit of reworking, though I generally suck at rhyme. Then time moves on and memory falls still (change one of the *thens*?) Except for voices that call from our past Who once were friends, now as strangers fill Their shadows, a void and absence did cast (double meaning for a void) ~A "...when it agrees with reason and it will benefit one and all, then accept it and live by it." ~ Buddha
L

Liamb

16 years 7 months ago

thank you

I did small editorial changes based on your comment, but the last line I leave as it stands. In the scheme of things, it is their absence that casts the empty (Voided) shadows (think about it) so, there is no double use of emptiness. Obviously if the message is unclear, I have failed in this piece. Oh well - C'est la vie.
S

stavroula

16 years 2 months ago

Liam,Good job, very

Liam, Good job, very seductive, I really liked your poem, you definitely have a unique voice that shines through your poetry. -Stavroula

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