Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Standing over a family Tomb

This here is a inkstained tale,
about a lost and scarred man.
He lost beautiful illusion's veil,
and his goals he finally tried to ban.

~

While standing over a family tomb,
crying he shall not ever.
Holding these dead ones from the womb,
now their bonds he unwillingly did sever.

The capstone tells of names and of a date,
but his memories serve him better.
he stands not there in love nor hate,
even though it's closer to the latter.

He starts to read aloud the words of stone,
looking up, not fixing his gaze upon it.
Even though he stands forever alone,
deep within his eyes, many torches are lit.

''Hope'', she was a sweet young lass,
mourned by all was she.
But the test of pain she did not pass,
still weeping for her is he.

''Pain'' was a stout fellow,
in life only despised.
although it took long before he had to go,
he was loved only after he demised.

''Love'' had died at birth,
they never got to meet.
though he heard she would've brought warmth and mirth,
he would never know her heat.

''ignorance'' that jolly guy,
the life of every fest!
Even though the fool would sometimes lie,
one would think he can only jest.

''Bliss'' a serene woman,
never faltering her smile.
sweet words were drawn from her pen,
and never would she beguile.

''peace'' a rare sight to see,
his face only a slight smile does reveal.
and though he loved to be.
The wounds of this world could never heal.

The man shuddered with the wind,
as a feather fell on his shoulder.
The last name died because he sinned,
the feather weighed heavy as a boulder.

This last he loved with all his heart,
as she would allow him to dance and sing.
he never thought that they might part,
as together they would be like queen and king.

''Passion'' was her call,
and without her his face got pale.
He mourned for her in the graveyards hall,
welcoming the freezing cold gale.

Though he never believed in crying,
and tears to him remained unused.
saying he did not weep would be lying,
for his tears, this poem did muze.

Who was this man that stood on the grave,
whom over the tomb would see?
Was it a grave robbing knave,
or was it perhaps a manifestation of me?

— Adam Alkemis, Nov 08, 2009

Critiques

C

Calliope

16 years 7 months ago

Adam...

This poem has many elements for potential,the subject and theme an intriguing one which calls to me ,who i must admit loves this kind of thing and i beleive this can be a great poem with a little direction...first i have to say there are a few rhymes which dont work so well.In this the rhyme is good but not the wording,example... This here is a inkstained tale, about a lost and scarred man. He lost beautiful illusion’s veil, and his goals he finally tried to ban. could be better as... This here is a inkstained tale, about a scarred and painfilled man. He lost beautiful illusion’s veil, and his goals he would finally ban. you see you have the word lost here twice and it clashes so even if you dont use painfilled and i assure you there is probably a better word out there ,you should use another cause the same word twice doesnt work.i hope you are not offended for you did ask for critique and the only reason i oblige is because i like this poem,so saying, the next verse i had trouble with as a reader is...(and i should mention it is the first few verses that gave me trouble ,yet these are the ones that will engage the reader) While standing over a family tomb, crying he shall not ever. Holding these dead ones from the womb, now their bonds he unwillingly did sever maybe this suggestion,remember only suggestions for it is your poem but to the reader for it to flow better While standing over a family tomb, To cry he swore he'd never, Holding these dead ones from the womb, These bonds would he ever sever. im sorry but i have to go but i will be back to tell you more i am intrigued by your poetry and will do what i can to help Lacy Where power corrupts,poetry cleanses.

Join Neopoet to leave a critique

Neopoet is a free community of poets who critique and support each other's writing.