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Tantalus in Saigon

He dips a tea bag.  Stale
bits and lukewarm coffee
Drops moisten the stiff
hard drill knots holding
a flaked orange beard
together.

The gas station bleeds red
Neon through all over the
small table: Cracked hands,
bleached in nicotine and white
pauses of callous no longer

Find the styrofoam's bottom.
A child barely four months
In her future
Cries for a broken lollipop.

Recalling a man's face,
or a boy, 18, laying down
His AK-47
To hold her
In his past

A sound like gravity's
Jealous lover, a few
Crackling heat-strokes,
Apple of cheek stripped
To pulsing bone.

Tables crash, snap and
overturn.  He screams at
the child, the crazy bum!
— Quillsvein1, Dec 12, 2009

Critiques

C

CyberSpace

16 years 6 months ago

Dear GB

Sorry hubby forgot to sign out lol ... two for one hahah love JC
Seren

Seren

16 years 6 months ago

Try again lmao

What can I say a very emotive write you constantly are striving and stepping out of your comfort zone ... bravo ;) The gas station bleeds red Neon through all over the small table: Cracked hands, bleached in nicotine and white pauses of callous no longer my favourite lines i could literally see this love and hugs Jayne-Chloe
Q

Quillsvein1

16 years 6 months ago

I get

what you mean and appreciate the criticism, but you missed something very crucial here: at the end, when I say: "the crazy bum!" i am making a meagre attempt to expose society's hypocrisy regarding insane, or PTSD affected, veterans. it's ironic, that last line. in the recesses of his memory he is remembering a vietnamese child strapped with a bomb blowing his friend up. he is having a flashback. even as a democratic socialist, i empathize with these men intensely. that's the point of the poem. GB
weirdelf

weirdelf

16 years 5 months ago

Beware Greeks bearing stories.

Wasn't familiar with Tantalus so looked him up [shudders]. Powerful write mate, beautifully crafted. Got a couple of wee hesitations. The word through in Neon through all over the feels a tad incongruous and I didn't really get the "story" till I read your reply to Kali, but then its 3.45am and perhaps I'm being a tad obtuse. Cheers, Jess, whose nature is irrepressible

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