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L
lyz

Hungry Jack in a Blue Pontiac.

The summer of ninety four,
a redhead  drove into town.
Her name rhymed with pearl,
Now what was it?, Lurl.
She arrived in a flash
blue Pontiac.

The  local copper Jove,
had been doing the dirty
with this redhead, Lurl.
But alas, he died.
Now Lurl came to claim
her inheritance.

Jove had nothing of value
except his faithful  large,
hungry Dane, Jack.
It was payback,
the family agreed.
.
Lurl swore and
took Jack out of spite.
Not wanting to get nothing.
Greed replaced remorse.
Jack in the back of the Pontiac,
chewed the upholstery
happily and hungrily,
as they drove off.

So I suppose,
the moral of this tale is,
do not  hunger with greed,
you might be chewed up
and spat out like the only
valued possession you own.

Like these,
a dog named Jack,
or a blue pontiac.
Lurls and Joves,
greatest possessions.
Just one of lifes lessons.







— lyz, Dec 28, 2009

Critiques

Seren

Seren

16 years 5 months ago

Dear LyzYou need to put the

Dear Lyz You need to put the contest code on the bottom I THINK ... dont take that for gospel I am submitting my first entry and had to bone up on the rules not that there are many of them lol the contest code is •Contest code:123109 love and hugs Jayne x x
L

lyz

16 years 5 months ago

Hello

I did but I don't think it come up but that does not matter. I will try again next year. I am off to do dinner. Chat later. Lyz. XX
O

Orphani

16 years 5 months ago

Did you say Lurl. I think I

Did you say Lurl. I think I know that girl I think she's got a rack 'that steers the pontiac. She up at Six foot four, when laying on the floor.I don't like Danes their leg humpers.Great first post after your vacation.Love B
L

lyz

16 years 5 months ago

But before I go

Thanks Barry. Actually, I am scared of great Danes. Lol. But this poem was not really well thought out so when I do post another, I will concentrate a bit better. I love Pontiac's though. Flying over a dip in the road at high speed, was, in younger days a thrill. No way now, lol. Thanks for the read and comment. Love Lyz. XX
O

Orphani

16 years 5 months ago

I usually post mine raw

I usually post mine raw first draft and then start revising. That dosn't work as well in your story poems though. Revised your Lyz poem again.It made me remember the time I put a shell in your hand. A little one for you to keep. Cold and deep snow here Lovly in an unlovly sort of way. B ps I love your moralisims where the bad guys always get what they have coming.It's nice that way. To have that control B
L

lyz

16 years 5 months ago

Dear Barry

Sorry it has taken me a while to get back to you but have been very busy with the rellos, not just for Chrissy but farewelling etc, I am glad to get 5 to myself today. Thank you for your advice and I still have the shell, I will have to go back and read your revision, I will over the next few days. I have to try and find time. It is hard sometimes. I can not seem to catch up on much lately, lol. Lots of love to you and yours from me and mine. Lyz. XX
Geezer

Geezer

16 years 5 months ago

Great Dane...

in the morning! Yes, you can be eaten by greed. I got the message right away. This being a narrative type of poem, I don't have much in the way of criticism, but think you have defintely given something of value here. ~ Happy New Year, ~ Gee
L

lyz

16 years 5 months ago

Dear Gee!!!!!

Love the new pic but I miss your smiling face. Aww. Thank you for your comment. I thank you for your well wishes and I am hoping all went well and you and your family enjoyed the festivities? Ours was quiet but very busy. Not as much cleaning up, lol. B.B.Q. Brekky, the way to go. Love to you and yours from me and mine. Lyz. XX
Geezer

Geezer

16 years 5 months ago

Just wanted to show...

the bike. I have so many people ask about it. I will be posting a new one of me soon. Don't know if you will recognise me but, oh no, I'm not giving it away. Think you will like this one too! My wife cooked a prime rib roast, mashed taters and creamed spinach. Ummmmmmm! There was just enough left-over to make a couple of sandwiches the next day. 'Course we had pickles, and olives stuffed with cream cheese, and loads of desserts, like Dump Cake and almond cookies, etc. It is a wonder that I don't weigh six hundred pounds! She cooks like this at the least excuse. Love to all, ~ Gee
L

lyz

16 years 5 months ago

Yumm

Hey Gee, do not think me dumb, but I have heard of creamed spinach, but never had the pleasure, what does it entail,lol. And as for being spoilt, you should be. Lol. You have an Angel by your side every day and sounds like such a wonderful family. I am glad to hear you have a sweet tooth too, but what is a dump cake, is it like a pound cake. I have a recipe for a dirt cake, it has crushed oreos in it. More like a mousse but thicker. O dear, food talk, I just did gain 600 pounds, lol. I cant wait to see your new pic. I hope its hot, lol. Love to you, Lyz. Xx
seabhac

seabhac

16 years 5 months ago

Just desserts

Hi Lyz I love the way your work brings a great big smile to my face but as a story with a moral I love it on another level too...I guess a good visual imagination helps and you do paint a good picture with your words. happy Hogmany Seabhac
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lyz

16 years 5 months ago

Dear Liz

Great pic. Thank you and I love your Happy Hogmany. Back at you but I think I am a wee bit late. Lol. Hope you and your family enjoyed the day and New Years. As for this poem, I drastically shortened it. But I am glad I did not damage it too much,lol. Love to you and yours from me and mine. Lyz. XX
WF

Worldwide Freeride

16 years 5 months ago

Pump the pedal to the metal...

Lyz! Well I have fondness for sporty cars like pontiacs too... but I love redheads as well (can't put Anni Cloudthings in this one?! lol!) especially 6foot 3 ones, so was a little downhearted at it (long story from me!)... but the moral rings so very true! Love the story and how you place the characters is good has a local newspaper feel about it and is very genuine and down to earth, the whole premise is well written and I don't think you should worry too much about the story all that I will say is maybe you could expand on it a bit... give the characters a lil more history or something? Other than that great stuff! Dale :)
L

lyz

16 years 5 months ago

Dear Dale

Thank you. I am glad you like old cars. My step dad had an old blue pontiac, quite roomy, and my mum was a type of red head, Auburn, and she was near 6 ft, stood tall and straight, a very beautiful woman, even I was envious. I copped the fathers genes, buggar, lol. As for the poem, I did have a lot more to it but I shortened it as i made a mistake, I thought the comp called for a 100 words not lines. I read it wrong, shortened it and then when I realized, I thought, nah. It was from the top of my head so all the other parts went flying out of the head. No matter, a bit of fun. Thank you and I hope you and yours enjoyed all the festivities so far. Love to you and yours from me and mine. Lyz. XX
deelilah

deelilah

16 years 5 months ago

Hi Lyz

This sure did make me smile. Yes, I could just picture the Dane chowing down on the leather seats. And the moral was fitting too. A very light and upbeat poem that was fun to read, this one is. Yours, Deelilah
L

lyz

16 years 5 months ago

Hello Deelilah

Lovely to hear from you. How is the weather your way? I saw in some states it was drastic. Hope you enjoyed Christmas and the new year, you weren't working were you? Hope not. I am glad I did not chew this poem up too much and that it still came across as I wanted it too. Well thank you again and lovely to hear from you. Love to you and yours from me and mine. Lyz. XX PS, How is your book coming along? All on track? Good on ya.!
Z

ziggy

16 years 5 months ago

HELLO

hi there lyz , i have to give this 5 because i have being trying to write one for this but its not getting the nod from me to post mmmmm what to do , i found the story and the moral of it easy to picture which can only be good i also luv big old cars not many of those pontiac`s over ere , i`d love that one but the dam dog went and chewed it all up , lol ,,,,,,,,,ziggy
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lyz

16 years 5 months ago

Oh Ziggy

that damn dog, lol. I could have bored you with a ferret tale but ours wanted all rights so I told her no, lol. How have you been faring, weather still bad? Hope it did not stop you and yours having a great day. What poem did you enter? Or did you change your mind. I hope you did post one. You have been on a roll and from the ones I have read, you are excelling in your poems. I thank you again and love to you and yours from me and mine. Lyz. XX Catch up very soon.
Seren

Seren

16 years 5 months ago

Darlin I just noticed I was

Darlin I just noticed I was soooo wrapped up in finding the contest code for you i forgot to pretty you up lol hope you ahd a happy new year darlin Love and mountains of hugs Jayne x x x
L

lyz

16 years 5 months ago

Hello, how is ya?

All fine this end. Anyway, thank you but it was fine, honestly. no worries. did you get to put one in if so, let me know as I am replying and then if any come up, reading, so you will have to fill me in. Had a quiet barbie brekky for xmas, did all the visiting before, Kel got very sick for a coupla days, which is unusual for him, but all said and done, until yesterday, busy and all prior, enjoyable. Must admit though I still have 4 pressies to buy. Lol. How was your day. All went wonderfully I hope. Lots of love to you all. Lyz. XX
C

CyberSpace

16 years 5 months ago

Liked the story and the

Liked the story and the moral love Snake I had to steal the computer she wouldnt let me read her new one lol
Seren

Seren

16 years 5 months ago

Liar !!! you were out

Liar !!! you were out playing with the bike !!! hahahaha omg I am so smacking him ... and it wasnt that I wouldnt let him lol I was busy editing a poem for someone lol love ya Jayne x x x
L

lyz

16 years 5 months ago

I am still smiling

No lie, I just commented on Barry's poem, to explain dinkies and then now, you saying Snake is playing with the bike and an instant pic of you pair came into my head, Snake on a dinky and you with your hands on your hips, saying Liar, Liar. Oh so funny. You both sound like you are in a very happy mood today, and that is great. You should share, yes, even the Jelly bath and then you can tell us all about it. Lol. Thanks guys. Love to all. Lyz. XX
Seren

Seren

16 years 5 months ago

When I opened that Jelly

When I opened that Jelly bath and showed snake ... well I cannot tell you what he said but it was extremely ...... you get the idea hahahaha and yeah we both in a good mood today i got some sleep and its bloody lovely weather so cool here I am loving it catch you on wednesday LOL ill be in newcastle for a day or so love and hugs Jayne x x x
L

lyz

16 years 5 months ago

Aw how nice

of Snake, lol. Buggar, lol. Dont forget to share, lol. And hopefully a coffe on wed, or thur. You keep on enjoying the day, it is cool and raining here as well. I am soooooooo glad to hear that you are smiling and having such a lovely day, you pair. Have an even extraordinary night. WINK WINK. Lol. Love yas. And last 2 of yours, no words really can describe. Well done dear Enchantress, the Empress of the pen Lyz. XX
Seren

Seren

16 years 5 months ago

Thanks Liz … and you know

Thanks Liz ... and you know I love him for his dirty mind pmsl !!! sorry couldnt help myself hahahaha shit shit he might see this ... awww well :) aint like he dont know ... hope your enjoying this cool weather its gone tomorrow so make the most of it lol god damn it lol ...talk soon lovely and well see if we can catch up you have coffee ill have something else lol im alergic to coffee love and hugs Jayne x x x
2Q

2 Quills

16 years 5 months ago

A valuable lesson indeed

Screwed, blued and chewed is no way to be…not even for a Pontiac. You tell it well enough, wish I could have seen the original. It's a winner in my eyes either way. Stay well, Lyz Quills
L

lyz

16 years 5 months ago

Thank you

Lovely to see you back. Yes, I chopped off heaps and I must admit it sounded a whole lot better before I did, lol. Never mind, out with the old and in with the new. lol. You take care and I enjoyed your writes, especially the last. Oolala, lol. Love from Lyz. XX
hugo la rosa

hugo la rosa

16 years 5 months ago

Dear Lyz:

The poem has a heart, and a mind of its own; it carries you away with every word. Truly, it has a message, as if you had written a whole short story with a few brushtrokes. The picture is complete, and the circle closes down on Lurl in a very surprising and original way. That's why I believe the story must be true. Sincerely, Hugo
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lyz

16 years 5 months ago

You sneaky bugger. Where have you been.

I am so glad you are back and that you are ok and well. Missed you. Why did you not reply, no matter, you are here now. I can not wait to read your treasured words again. Thanks for surprising me. Oh Hugo, lovely to see you back. Thanks for the comment and I am off to your site to see if you have posted. Chat soon. Love from Lyz. XX
Candlewitch

Candlewitch

16 years 5 months ago

Dear Lyz

I liked the narrative and love pontiacs. I once had a 1965 GTO. I loved my goat, which was what it was called. Good luck on the contest. Love, Cat
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lyz

16 years 5 months ago

Goat!

I smile a smile at that. For men it is usually old girl or some other female reference, lol, and here you are with an original. Love it, Goat, lol. Thanks for reading and I am glad to see you back. I hope this year is good to you and yours, dear one, and I will be waiting for a few from you and Edge. Missing the reads. Love Lyz. XX
L

lyz

16 years 5 months ago

Thank you dear Shan

Nice to be back, in sorts, but today I have replied to most so a short thank you and i will cat later. Love to you and the family. Lyz. XX

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