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moianna
moianna
Jan 29, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

tears

they fall
fast and hard in the shower
mixing with the water
swirling down the drain
no evidence of my pain
I can't stop them as I cook
dripping into the pan
becoming part of our meal
my sadness it did steal
you looked right at me
or so I thought as they
screamed down my face
only to be erased by
your failure to notice
— moianna, Jan 29, 2010

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Country/Region: USA

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Critiques

B

bjp

16 years 4 months ago

Dear Moiana,

This poem contains great ideas and images, such as, "I can’t stop them as I cook dripping into the pan becoming part of our meal". The end-of-line rhyme here is stealing from this poem. For example, after the above quoted lines, which are written in plain English, comes the contorted phrase, "my sadness it did steal". This awkwardness is done to get "steal" to rhyme with "meal." If you remove the constraint of having to rhyme, which I note is not full pursued in any event, the poem can stay in a consistent and hopefully less awkward language, and thereby not take away from the great ideas otherwise competing for the readers' attention. You are just so close here. Brian
moianna

moianna

16 years 4 months ago

Thank you for compliment and

Thank you for compliment and advice! As I read it this morning I see exactly what you are saying. It may take me awhile to get back to it, as I'm only inspired to write when I'm in my "deep, dark" space.
S

Silentvoice777

16 years 4 months ago

hello

hey moiana, I really like this, a different way to put it! mel

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