Voyeur

In the curl of silence
there creeps a lone man's fascination
blue shaded mind stains innocence
sepia film on replay
as the blind man watches on.

she bends and breaks
twists and howls
fluid in flexing her prowess
fast forward to another scene
rocking, always rocking in that chair.

In the blinds
that sheath the window
there is a gap
dented metal
from constant parting
filthy dust covering the other slats.

webbing the cold window
is his breath
misting, hot, heavy
night clothes his room
concealing watching eyes
prying hands
fumbling misery

to taste and tear
would be too much
yet not enough
of her,
derision clouds his excitement
snuffing his view of fading glory

— Lunegirl, Jan 31, 2010

Critiques

Arrow

16 years 4 months ago

Yuk.

Congratulations on getting the imagery just right. I particularly like stanza 3. I confess to not getting the point of the last two lines and am frustrated by this as this poem requires a strong ending. I assume this has something to do with the "blind" reference earlier, which I didn't get either. I find voyeurism a fascinating topic, esp. when there is a tacit agreement.

Lunegirl

16 years 4 months ago

I kinda got a bit jaded

I kinda got a bit jaded about this poem as i wrote it. It only took five minutes and maybe you can tell in its sloppyness, (i feel). The reference to the blind man, is that he is not meant to be there. The last two lines, indecate that this person isn't nice and it isn't an agreement but a twisted man watching his neighbour, he has progressed from film to real life. I think i haven't dealt with this clearly in stanza or flow. its derision because this kind of person watching this woman has issues so after the action and excitement comes disdain, maybe at his self to. I would be happy for suggestions though at an alternative ending : ) thank you for your feedback and pointing this out vix

xena465

16 years 4 months ago

Last stanza

I think this may work with a re-write, to explain the blind man, helping with the true nature of the poem. to taste a tear would not be realistic thriving on morbid thoughts derision clouds his excitement as the blind man’s merely mystic... or something similar to this? Hope this helps. If it were my poem I'd re-write it as it's thought-provoking and could be a really great poem Rosina xena465

Lunegirl

16 years 4 months ago

Thanks Rosina for your

Thanks Rosina for your thoughtful imput, i am thinking on it, i like the first three lines but im not sure about the fourth, i am going to ponder on this for awhile... vix ; )

Kailashana

16 years 4 months ago

Imo, the ending is

Imo, the ending is perfect.... I think we all know why. Hugs, Anna "What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal." Albert Pine

Lunegirl

16 years 4 months ago

anna i had to laugh at the

anna i had to laugh at the lma, the first ending is very rude lol, i am still thinking on it, but Thankyou for that love vix x

zarul

16 years 4 months ago

hi

a poem with beauty of a rising sun seen from frozen mountain. and i agree with xena

Lunegirl

16 years 4 months ago

Thankyou for your comment

Thankyou for your comment and feedback, I think on this occasion for now i am going to leave the ending, as i had an intention with it, i may comeback another time with a different view though, Im always happy to recieve fedback concerning changes.. vix

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