Helen

Every evening

I look

My mirror mirror

I try to love myself.

I want to love

the pores I see, the lazy eye and

the face I am told is

beautiful.

I try to ignore

the rolls of my stomach, the scars from childhood and the water eyes

looking back at me.

Disappointment

pours from my mirror

filling me.

I am almost

content.

I remember the day.

Filled moments of

horror,

shame and

humiliation.

I tell myself that good things happened.

I did something well, a compliment

I forget…

It doesn’t matter.

I am still brimming with an

emptiness that I can’t see.

I want to smash the mirror.

I want to be in the mirror.

I wish all I had to do was

reflect myself.

I wish I could watch someone else fumble through being me

Watch someone else clumsily kill.

I am jealous of my reflection.

She does nothing.

She shows me what I am.

Don’t leave. Don’t leave.

She feeds my drowning water

She is my chain, the plug.

I plunge into pools of other people’s blood.

I try to swim breaststroke.

I try to be a butterfly.

More blood and more.

I am killing someone I can’t see.

All I feel is my own suffocation

I flounder, the walls bulge

They throb and spill

Breaking

Pouring the filth and rust

Down the street, stretching into alleys and corners

Displaying the disgrace of the

Ultimate

Blasting

Selfishness and

Self obsessive

Hate

That consumes and delves through my deepest desires.

Lusting and

Loathing.

Hey you sexy peacock,

come,

come and suck on my cock

Not much time, I must go back,

tick tock, tick tock

the rocket clock!

I have a hearing at five so look alive

Chop chop

The pendulum’s swinging

The hand is rising

Suck me now you gorgeous frau

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Lust me. Scream me. Believe me.

You lie.

I free. You can be.

There’s blood when I bite

Like pigs pissing

It spurts

And sputters

The ground is hissing.

The blood steams and his gurgle cries

Mix in and melt to the sticky mud clots

It’s over.

You free me.

No.

Ka-ching

Ka-ching

Buying happiness

Ka-ching

Krrrrgh-tack!

Tick tick tack

Three pence change

Chrrrrghfp

Skft

Zdjf

Klip

Have a nice day

SLAP

Kreuuuup

Chang

Shit

Tounk

Crippifl

Schlep

All gone.

Jrrrrrghk

Tink, nik, dllllliing

Three pence.

Nothing doing.

Buying crappiness!

Happiness!

Why is there blood everywhere?

This man is dead shouldn’t we move him?

Did you kill this man?

How did you do it?

Is he dead?

What is he?

Who is he?

Why is he?

Why is the sky blue?

I want this one.

Will you sell me this one?

He’d look fabulous on a marble floor.

Scarlet and what?

White or black?

I don’t remember which.

Does it matter?

I love it.

I love him.

He makes me love me.

Give him to me.

Makes me love me. Love me.

Every evening

I look

My mirror mirror

I try to love myself.

Mirrors are no good.

Mirrors don’t work.

Mirrors show what you think you see

Take my glasses

look through them.

What do you see?

I see you,

I see him,

I see blood.

That is you.

Give them back.

I see you,

I see him,

I see blood.

They make me love me.

That is me.

Ka-ching!

Ring a ding ding.

Sell him to me.

Name a price.

Start an auction.

Highest bidder wins.

He’s not for sale.

I’m the only bidder.

Sell him to me.

He’s not for sale.

Of course he’s for sale.

We’re all for sale.

Sell him to me.

Is he alive?

Ask him.

He’s the time keeper.

He must leave before five.

Time keeper

Shop keeper

Are you alive?

Sell yourself to me.

See my purse?

Flip!

Talk!

Speak!

Shout!

Moan!

If he’s alive

he doesn’t speak.

I bit off his mouthpiece.

I still see his lips.

They twitch, they move.

You may have him.

He’s free.

Free?

Of what?

I must pay you.

I must buy him

I cannot take him.

Take him.

Buy me.

What am I worth?

I must pay for him.

Pay for me, he comes free with every purchase.

What am I worth?

I have three pence.

That’s all the money I have in the world with me

Right now.

You are worth all the money

I have with me right now.

If I had 5 pence

You would be worth that

You see?

Throw it in the blood.

Let me smear it in and leave

The stinking swirls of copper and

Silt to breathe

On my hands.

Have me.

And him too,

Free with your purchase,

That is worth something now

 Help me lift him.

Be useful and

Pull him home,

Don’t let anything drop

Or lag behind

I love this man.

And you are my three pence.

I do not love you

But my three pence can carry my love.

Horror!

Horror in blood!

A raven in the swans!

Scavenger,

To you

To you

For you

I should die

Let me lie in your bath

Soak in this blood

Who are you?

I am three pence

She is mine

I would have you.

I would steal you.

Fill me with your gaze

I would dance you

destroy you

Whisper you

Kiss you

She is mine!

Give her to me.

She is mine!

Take this man.

He bleeds

And is alive

He falters

And is beautiful.

Take him

You cannot have her.

I will give you four pence.

To be kind

That is more than she is.

I would steal her otherwise.

No.

She is everything you have.

She is nothing I am.

She is to be possessed.

Let me steal you.

Steal me.

Let me caress you.

Caress me.

With me. With me. With me.

No! You are my everything!

I gave you my everything.

I love you!

You love him.

I love you.

The time keeper is nothing

Is nothing

Without you.

I am nothing without

You.

Love me and you

Rainbows of green

Yellow

Blue,

Orange,

Indigo

Pink

Explosions

Of melting blood petals

slowly down your face

My beautiful face?

Your face reflects you.

Your beautiful face!

No.

Your face reflects

Your soul

Your face

your mirror

Let me steal you

Take you

Take me.

Rake me.

Tear me.

Hate me.

Your terrible face.

Your screaming soul.

Yes.

Yes.

Your beautiful face!

No.

Steal you.

Yes.

Timekeeper

Timekeeper

You’re late

You’re late

He’s mine.

She’s mine.

I’m his.

She’s mine.

You bleed and pale

At five you prevail

On the hearing

Of justice and God

You’re coming with me

And lest you should flee

I tie you with this piece of chain.

That chain is mine

Leave it divine.

He’s mine! You can’t have him!

You can’t!

I’ll drag him away

On this hot day

Or I shall kill

Everyone in my path

This chain I shall use

You cannot refuse

Or you will betray the fate

Don’t go.

I’ll see you.

I’ll tear you.

Despair you.

Don’t leave me

You free me

Three pence

I’m needy..

The chain of the plug

I mustn’t be drained

The blood

Will not flow with the heat of the melt

Of the

Loathing the

Horror despair…

My butterfly wings

beat hot liquid

Frothing the clouds in the sky

A hell in the sky

Rain fire

To drown me,

Pouring, fill me,

My lazy eye

My scars

My belly

Chained to my desire.

Come with me now.

It’s over. It’s gone.

It’s time to say goodbye.

I’ll die,

I die.

My poison seeps.

My three pence gone.

My mirror.

My chain.

I wade through his blood.

I dream of the day he found me.

I leave to die but follow a death

Torn wide and open

By me.

This evening

I look,

My mirror mirror

I’m back again.