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Treacherous Temptation


When our sweet tooths’ tingle
being deprived for so long
we enter a trance
Within we find ourselves faced
against that treacherous Temptation

So often we give in
to his dirty little tricks
He seems so nice
When offering us candy
luring us kids
to his remote lot

When we enter his truck
There’s not a second to think
The engines rev up
And we take off in a blink
By that time, its too late

He glares over at us
with his lustful eyes
Knowing he has us
as a prize for his wit
Rapacious incarnate
He longs for more

That’s all he ever wants
that bastard Temptation
For us to hop along for the ride
on a road to a disappointing nowhere
Rendered as slaves to his pale sorrow

Its all in our choice, though
if we play passenger with him
For the treats we’re offered
are nothing but lures


— Carchuleto, Feb 21, 2010

About the Author

Country/Region: USA

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Critiques

Mark

Mark

16 years 3 months ago

in the beginning

Hi carch, I felt the rhythm off in the beginning there. Tried working it a bit but it's late have and I have a foggy mind. I really think it's an awesome poem and just needs smoothing out for an easier ride lol I enjoyed this writing, You write of temptation with a seasonned perspective. I don't think Stranger defines the body of the work here. Perhaps try some related titles as temptation is not a stranger, really. Regards, Mark "I do not walk the earth and eat out of dumpsters, I'm not a bum, I'm beat."
Carchuleto

Carchuleto

16 years 3 months ago

thank you mark and kailashana

I was trying to avoid calling it anything regarding Temptation, but I was thinking after I wrote this that temptation really isnt that much of a stranger to us all. I was trying to write a little more freely than usual without rhyming every couple of lines, so my rhythm suffered. Ill try and smooth out some of the bumps. thanks guys! -Carch
ifoundaplace

ifoundaplace

16 years 3 months ago

Chris

I'm glad you posted this here. I really like it (: Hunter
M

magics02

16 years 3 months ago

Carch where you been

Tis was an interesting write of yours Carch, I got a little messed up with the line.. For us to be slaves to his pale sorrow.. You got to clue me in on that ne line other then that yes it is different style for you and I am still privy to the likings to your first writings, which I enjoyed so much. You keep finding your niche and stick to what you love the best. Miss chatting with ya Love, Magics02 ps by the way do you know what happen to Logic aka (sonic) Learn to live, learn to forgive. Life is too short.
Mark

Mark

16 years 3 months ago

Back

Hi Carch, head is clear now lol I love the theme ! And the rhythm is very nice. You have my vote on this today ^5 Later, Mark "I do not walk the earth and eat out of dumpsters, I'm not a bum, I'm beat."
Carchuleto

Carchuleto

16 years 3 months ago

Thanks guys

This is a bit different from what im used to, but it was a frustration needing to get out. Thanks for all the kind words and help on this! You guys are great! Carch
OM

odd molly

16 years 2 months ago

I just found your profile

I just found your profile and I want to say that I so much like what your are writing and the person you seem to be. I think your poem is very good it has a interesting theme and is well written. Iam not familiar with styles etc but I can see that you will become a great poet if you keep on writing. love. o molly
M

magics02

16 years 2 months ago

Great job Carch here

Very good Carch where you been, missed you loads Love ya, Mona xoxoxoxo Learn to live, learn to forgive. Life is too short.
Carchuleto

Carchuleto

16 years 2 months ago

thanks :)

its been a while since I wrote one, but I am going to be writing another one soon. Thank you so much for your kind words and I will have to look into your works as well. Mona, been at school and been spending time trying to better myself. Things are getting rough here near the end and Im trying to make the best of the experience. -Carch

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