She Screams

Sunrise
fast approaching
Heart beating
barely breathing
Overflowing
ashtrays smoking
Silently
She's screaming

Reflections
shimmer in shards of glass
White lines
like clouds
as hours pass
Trembling
with shame
She screams
and screams again

Sunrise
so soon forgotten
to feel beneath her
sheets of cotton
Rather than
the grains of dirt
and the dirty man
Traveling
up her skirt

— Phylis Annet, Feb 22, 2010

Critiques

talkingcat

16 years 3 months ago

that was a fun ride. read

that was a fun ride. read beautifully, i felt like i was following her leg up to underneath her skirt! shilouette, black and white, first dawn light

xena465

16 years 3 months ago

It sounds like someone had a

It sounds like someone had a night on the town, good or not...not sure. The end stanza suggests not... Sunrise so soon forgotten to feel beneath her sheets of cotton Rather than the grains of dirt and the dirty man Traveling up her skirt Yes I like this one. Rosina xena465

xena465

16 years 3 months ago

You should start a buddy

You should start a buddy list...to help you to get started on a buddy list, click on my name on this comment; it will take you to my profile. On the left-hand side you will see Add to buddy list` click on that and then click `add`. Once you've done this you can do the same with other people, like the members comment on your poems, and do the same thing. Also you can send private messages that only the member you're sending it to will be able to read. You'll find this at the bottom of the Navigation bar on the right of the page. If you’re not already doing so, you could read other people’s poems by clicking on `Neopoet` at the top of the page…this will allow you to see and read other poets poems and if you like the poem you can comment on them…this will also help you to make friends. Rosina xena465

professor

16 years 3 months ago

Hi Phylis

and welcome to Neopoet. This has the makings of a really good poem. It has a good flow and use of both emphasis with short lines and alliteration with those "s" words contributing to the feeling of spitting and disgust. For me what it does not quite achieve though is the powerful and emotive imagery to really heighten those feelings. There are obviously a number of ways that you could achieve this. In the last verse for example you could use far more evocative imagery to describe the man and his room and actions: Sunrise, so soon forgotten. To feel beneath her smooth sheets of cotton Rather than coarse grains of dirt and semen stains as the jaundiced black-nailed fingers of lusting filth probe insidiously up her skirt. Hope you see what I mean. with best wishes Keith

Phylis Annet

16 years 3 months ago

Hi Keith. Thank you, and I

Hi Keith. Thank you, and I do see what you mean. That's why I'm here...to learn. I think I will re-think this a bit, however, I tend to be a bit simplistic in my writing style, and perhaps a bit afraid to tear down those walls to really create that vivid imagery.

Kob

16 years 3 months ago

Well done

Wow, but you are so good at the serious, blow my mind, I write silly fun poems, one or two are deep, but nothing like yours. Superb! Impressed, Kob.

Phylis Annet

16 years 3 months ago

Thank you all for your

Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate the input. This is my first time doing anything like this.

xena465

16 years 2 months ago

If this is your first then

If this is your first then we can't wait to read your next one Phylis. So How about it? Rosina xena465

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