Rainy Night

Trust me, it usually gets a whole lot verse before the worst is yet to come. Ummm.. I meant to write that. Keep on keeping on young master Sourav from India, remember Namaste is only a bow away. ~A "If parents really would love their children there would no longer be any war." J. Krishnamurti

An apt picture of despair. But (too often an unwelcome "but" follows to step on heels, doesn't it?) it seems you've painted the shell around the seed. And now I'd like to see the nut, the meat of it. And if there's a way to avoid some of the choppiness therein, I'd like to see you find it. Perhaps a few streamlinings are a mite in order: As to: "Desolate dark night Continual fall of rain, I’m standing alone With my tears mingled pain." I like the mix of rain with tears ... and pain. How about a more streamlined third line, as: "I stand alone With my tears, mingled pain."? -- "A distant star is watching me Witnessing my life of desertion, Sleepless night continues to cry I’m dwelling in absolute dejection." It's somewhat unclear whether life of desertion refers to a life of feeling deserted ... or perhaps a life of deserting others. (I think the former.) How about "A distant star watches (blinks at) me (or even: A distant star holds its eye on me) ..." Then: "It witnesses my life of desertion," Then the last line of the stanza: "I dwell in absolute dejection"? -- "Blank eyes stare indifferently Trying to interpret life’s scrawl, Strange vacuum in my heart A doomed life is ready to fall." Perhaps "A doomed life readies to fall"? -- "Dark - blind rainy night Every hope has died, All alone in a crowded world Wishing for a place to hide." "I wish for a place to hide." -- Hope I haven't invaded your space a bit too much with this set of comments. If so, I apologize. After all, it is your creation. At the very least, I hope I've prompted perhaps a few fibrous ideas for your healthy chewing. A pleasure reading ... and commenting. Thanx much, Chuck