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999

Flames dancing their shadows Javanese hand puppets
jumping to sirens no chimes or gongs
burnished joists shift and settle
they're trapped as Bedouins housed
embers vehement they are a witch
spit shoot crackle
not like a New Year sky
and the stranglehold of a ghoul, black smoke


Stillness in this fire glow
swollen dolls
like seals basking in sunshine
no not dolls children saw I, two
deceased increased, heat inflated
to become charred relics of fleeting histories
carbon those ammonite children.
— pinksheep, Jul 12, 2010

Critiques

AW

Ayaz Warith

15 years 11 months ago

Skillful attempt

Dear friend, your poem is great, but some lines confuse me. Maybe you wrote them intentionally. Your attempt is fantastic. Ayaz Warith
O

Orphani

15 years 11 months ago

The intense imagery in this

The intense imagery in this poem does justice to the gruesome theme of children trapped in fire. "No not dolls children saw I" is distractingly archaic.I would substitute "I saw" Well executed with evocative, original, and emotionally charged metaphors. B
whitetea

whitetea

15 years 11 months ago

>

Do you mean Japanese? Good write, every line seems immediate which is good.
SH

shirley harrison

15 years 11 months ago

"999"

Dear Pinksheep, I could feel the fire you have written this is such a powerful way. Children trapped in a fire so sad but your pen shows a fantastic picture! this has left me Shaking! Kind Regards shirley harrison

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